I like to think that the missus and I are doing a pretty good job of raising Toddler L. During her 16 months of life on the planet, we’ve somehow managed to create an incredible daughter who is healthy, happy, inquisitive, adventurous, cute and only sometimes a tad annoying. Plus, most significantly, there’s only been a couple of ‘accidents’.
I feel like I need to make a confession though. There is a third-party involved in helping to raise our daughter. Actually, scrub that. There are tens of – if not hundreds of – third-parties who all do their bit to entertain, educate, distract and develop the sprog.
No, we don’t have loads of servants and we don’t take part in our own version of ‘Wife Swap’, although both sound intriguing propositions. Instead, I’m talking about TV. All of the characters, presenters and undefinable ‘things’ which live inside the telly, sharing their experiences and life lessons with our little rug rats.
Toddler L has never really been too bothered about watching the TV, which is surprising considering that I have a really bad habit of having it on in the background pretty much every minute of the day. I guess the likes of ‘Judge Rinder’ and ‘Homes Under The Hammer’ just don’t do it for her like they do it for me.
The past few months though have seen an increased interest in the idiot box now that we’ve started putting kid’s TV on. We started with ‘Milkshake’ for an hour or so in the mornings, but have since graduated to ‘CBeebies’, which we have on for a few hours in the morning then an hour before bed.
By association, I am ‘forced’ to watch – and, more often that not, enjoy – the children’s content that is on channel 702 of my Virgin TIVO box. I’ve laughed, I’ve danced, I’ve cried and I’ve looked on with utter confusion. The latter of which has led to many a question and random thought, all designed as a coping mechanism to help me process what the hell is happening on the screen.
I therefore thought I’d share with you some of the random thoughts that have gone through my head as I watch CBeebies:
1) I wonder if the Alphablocks are all paid equally or whether their income is determined by appearance. If so, I can’t help but feel a little sorry for “X” and “Z” who will surely be struggling to make ends meat.
2) Is Mr Tumble’s spotty bag a not-so-subtle way of telling his ex-lovers that he has genital warts and that they should consider getting themselves checked out?
3) Following on from 2), is the process of transferring the spotty bag between Justin and Mr Tumble – and back again – designed to teach kids just how easily STI’s can be passed between people?
4) If Iggle Piggle’s disruptive behaviour is not sorted out soon, it won’t be long before he’s rotting away in prison. Not going to bed when asked will soon escalate to more troublesome behaviour. Fast forward five years, I reckon he’ll be robbing shops to fund his crack habit. Is that the type of role model you want for your kids?
5) You need to re-evaluate your own life and role as a parent when you realise that you’ll never be as sensible, patient, wise or worldly as Bing’s guardian Flop. That guy has major parenting skills.
6) The “let it be me” song from ‘Let’s Play’ is sooooooo bloody annoying. Seriously, it’s worse than a mash-up between The Cheeky Girls, Billy Ray Cyrus, Baha Men, Right Said Fred, Psy and Aqua, plus it goes on for 30 seconds longer than it ever needs to.
7) The Furchester Hotel must have some terrible reviews on TripAdvisor. How are you supposed to have a relaxing night’s sleep when everyone spontaneously bursts into song? Imagine that happening in the room next to yours at 3am in the morning.
8) It is impossible to think or say “My Pet And Me” without doing it in the sing-song fashion of the presenters.
9) I admire the work that Justin Fletcher (Mr Tumble) has done to educate, entertain and bridge the gap in society, but I’d hate to live next to him.
10) I now have (a bit of) respect for children’s TV presenters. I used to think that it was the most depressing of TV presenting careers, but this has recently been knocked into #2 spot after watching a bit of late night roulette when I couldn’t sleep the other night. Keep up the good work guys.
11) When travelling ‘Around The World’ with his suitcase, Mr Maker has tried the ‘clever’ space saving idea of attaching bottles of poster paint to the outside of his case. I know you’ve got to take a lot of crap with you when you go on holiday, but squeezable bottles are going to cause chaos when crushed by other suitcases in the plane’s cargo hold. I expect he’ll be having to fork out a fair bit of money to other customers in damages.
12) Despite watching it nearly every evening, I still have no clue what the shitting hell a Pipling is, what the Waybuloo creators were smoking when they came up with the idea or where I can get some.
13) It is a bad idea to use ‘popular’ music as part of the adverts. I have no issues in stating that I really really really really really really like that Carly Rae Jepsen song, but its usage in the ‘Sarah and Duck’ promo has slightly tarnished my enjoyment. Stick to music in the adverts that no-one likes.
Have you had any of these thoughts before, or am I just a bit messed up in the head? Is there any other random thoughts you’ve had about kid’s TV shows that you want to add? Let me know below![jetpack_subscription_form subscribe_text=”Like what you’ve read? Want more? Pop in your email to get all of the latest posts.”]