5 Gross Things I Didn’t Think I’d Do Before Becoming A Dad

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always pictured myself as a dad. As a young scamp growing up in the slums of Scunthorpe, I just kind of took it for granted that one day I’d become an adult, get married and have a kid.

It’s only as you get older though that you realise not everything always happens as you envision it. The world can be a big, dark and scary place in which bad stuff can – and often does – happen to good people. I’ve been lucky – I’m married to the person I fell in love with over 10 years ago, Baby L was conceived within the first month of trying thanks to my super jizz and life is pretty much as I always hoped it’d be as a thirty-year old.

Sometimes though, expectation is different to reality. I used to imagine all of the awesome stuff that came with being a dad, but kind of glossed over the not so glamorous aspects which are also prevalent. That’s fine with me though – you’ve got to take the good with the bad, every cloud has a silver lining, you can’t have a rainbow without rain, yadda yadda yadda.

What this has meant is that I’ve found myself doing some pretty gross stuff which I never imagined that I’d do. Things which make you want to be sick in your own mouth, but you can’t because you’ve already emptied your insides by projectile vomiting down the nearest wall.

The weird thing though is that somehow things aren’t quite as gross when it’s your own kid. The fact that you created this little human using the contents of your own scrotum somehow builds your tolerance levels. As they say, I guess blood really is thicker than your own gag reflex (N.B. I doubt anyone has ever said that until now).

Whilst thinking about this post, I realised that I’ve already written on the blog about two pretty gross things I’ve done since becoming a dad. Therefore, rather than re-hash old content here, I’ll cheat a bit by calling these numbers 1 and 2 of my 5 gross things I didn’t think I’d do before becoming a dad. Here they are:

1) Drinking The Wife’s Breast Milk

As the title suggests, I’ve tasted the missus’ boob juice on more than once occasion. And not by accident. Something which I didn’t think I’d ever say before becoming a dad. Check out my drinking the wife’s breast milk post.

 

2) Scooping Baby Crap Out Of The Bath

Baby L was enjoying a nice, fun bath when she decided to empty her bowels whilst in the tub. This resulted in manic scooping of shit out of the bath and a horrifying event that I never thought I’d experience. Read about this life-changing incident in splish, splash the baby shat in the bath.

 

3) Wipe Someone’s Nose With My Hand

Snot is pretty disgusting. Your own isn’t too bad, but other people’s isn’t the greatest thing in the world.

There was a girl at my school who always had a bit of snot dribbling out of her nose – if that wasn’t bad enough, I remember her accidentally blowing snot bubbles when she’d laugh. Bleurgh. With memories such as these from my childhood, it’s hardly surprising that I didn’t picture myself being around someone else’s schnoz.

That changes with a sprog though. If Baby L didn’t have a runny nose through teething, chances are she was all snotty due to a cold. The early days saw me use a tissue or a bit of kitchen roll to wipe away the mucus, but an increased tolerance and a ballooning household shopping bill as a result, saw me just use my hand instead.

Quicker. Easier. More disgusting. But, still not as bad as people who suck bogies and snot out of their babies nose with their own mouth!

snotty ill baby

Baby L not looking her best as a cold has forced her face to leak from every orifice.

4) Eat Pre-Chewed Food

The thought of eating food that has already been in someone’s mouth is pretty disgusting, but since I’ve become a dad, I’ve found myself doing it more and more.

Just to clarify, I’m not talking about going up to random strangers and forcibly stealing food out of their mouth – my treatment helped with that peculiar habit. I’m talking about scraps of food designed for the sprog which she’s either spat out or have accidentally fallen out of her mouth.

Now I’m not in the habit of doing this. I don’t secretly hope that she spits out a half-chewed strawberry so that I can eat it, or find myself giving her food-stained bib a quick suck in order to increase my calorie intake. But, I have found myself eating food I’ve given her from my plate which she’s half chewed, or licking yoghurt off my finger after using it to wipe her mouth.

It might be pretty gross, but it keeps things that bit cleaner plus gets the sprog back for stealing all of my food.

 

5) Have A Crap In Front Of Someone

Being a bloke, we naturally become accustomed to having a piss in front of other people. Unlike in the Ladies, the Gents usually only have a couple of toilets which are in a pretty shocking condition, so urinals become the norm. As such, taking a leak whilst standing next to a random stranger isn’t too weird.

The same goes for being at home – I think nothing of ‘draining the snake’ when the missus is in the bathroom. Let’s just say I like to share. However, my laissez-faire attitude when it comes to toilet behaviour changes when it comes to taking a dump. For me, this is alone time and is usually used to catch up on social media. Twitter on the shitter.

But, having a baby and being a stay-at-home dad has changed this. When I’m all alone in the house with a baby who isn’t asleep and I need a crap (normally after my morning coffee), there’s not many options I’m left with but to bring her into the bathroom with me.

I resisted doing this for a long time, but I finally gave in and decided it was the best and safest option all around. I just hope she understands, and can forgive me, in the future.

dad on toilet baby watching

I never thought I’d crap in front of someone, let alone wipe with a person attached to my leg.

 

Those are the five gross things I’ve found myself doing since becoming a dad. Have you found yourself doing any disgusting things that you didn’t think you were capable before becoming a parent? Share your horrifying experiences below!

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  • Man vs Pink

    Wow – been a dad 3 1/2 years (at-home for 3), and haven’t done ANY of these.

    • Really?! Man, that makes me think I’m doing a worse job than I thought! 🙂

  • Man vs Pink

    Hardly fella… 😉 I never considered 1, 2 hasn’t happened (yet!), 3 ew – always have tissues!, 4 ew, 5 – I get up super early to have my morning coffee and ‘me’ time.

    • Haha. I’d probably prefer the extra half an hour in bed rather than having ‘me’ time on the bog.

  • john adams

    My word. Well, somehting I never thought I’d do as a dad is read about another man’s “super jizz”…but it’s just happened.

  • HaHa, so true Dave and I can relate to all of these other than (conveniently numbered) number 2. I get the shower head and blast it through the plug hole… thankfully it was of the “softer” variety so disintegrated fairly quickly. That said I’ve still had gross encounters with baby poo through panicked nappy changes when D decides to perform the twist mid clean… gotta love em tho.. 🙂

    • Ah yes, the twist during a nappy change is proper annoying. I’ve not figured out how to solve that problem yet. Re: #2 Very clever, although I’d worry that it’d block the plug hole!

  • Hmmm, yes they are all very gross things. And yes, I have done most of them too. Parenting is quite disgusting when you think of it. We have to touch some very weird shit – literally. #FridayFrolics

  • Mama MKDPR

    Yeah, wiping your butt with a leg limit wasn’t in ‘What to expect’. I spent way too much time inspecting poo in the early months too.

    #fridayfrolics

    • Ah yes – every day was a different kind of colour and texture. Fun times.

  • Kids are gross! I’ve been projectile vomited on three times now. I’m hoping not to resort to the snot with the mouth thing. But you know, never say never! Thanks for linking up to #FridayFrolics

    • Exactly, if there’s one thing I’ve learnt, it’s never to rule something out as you’ll probably have to do it next week. Luckily the projectile vomit hasn’t been an issue…yet.

  • Jemma Chambers

    I always thought sniffing another persons bum was uncalled for, unless you’re a dog…. Babydom fun hey? #MMWBH

    • Totally! Although sniffing a dog’s bum would probably still get you some weird looks 🙂

  • Zoe dunn

    Love this people are blinded by broodyness this is all too true and just the tip of the iceberg. #MMWBH

  • They never mention any of this in the parenting manuals do they?! Kids are gross and have no concept of privacy.

    • Exactly – I’d be more than happy to submit my toilet photo to some parenting mags / books 🙂

  • Fab! Well fab and disgusting but you know..both hubby and I tried my breast milk I thought it was quite nice to be fair, I’ve wiped noses with my hands, scooped poop but not with my hands and yes, no such thing as privacy I’m starting to get it back at ages 7 and 4 though..

    • Thanks! Ah, that’s good to know, I’ve only got another 7 years or so to go then haha 🙂

  • Hannah Clarke

    Hahaha So true! Parenthood is pretty gross isn’t it?!xx #BrilliantBlogPosts

  • This is so so funny!!! This list should be given to new parents as they leave the maternity wards!!!!
    #brilliantblogposts

    • Thanks Laura – now that’s a great money making idea – it may put a few people off though and they leave the kid at the hospital…

  • NewMummy Blogger

    Hahaha! If I’d read this pre-baby, I really would not have believed it, and definitely would not have believed it was the norm! In saying that H has never poo-d in the bath (fingers crossed)!
    #brilliantblogposts

    • Strange how things change isn’t it and how the perception can be totally different. I’ll keep my shit-stained fingers crossed for you 🙂

  • Sam

    Definitely laughing (out loud!) over this one. I just hope your daughter never reads this – she will be scarred for life! 🙂 #thelist

    • Thanks! Haha, I’ll give her my blog link on her 18th birthday. She’ll disown me 🙂

  • juliegdutra

    I love this list and I’m sure my husband would nod to every single point. #TheList

  • Jeremy Barnes

    my little was backed up for a few days prior to her one year dr’s appt. When i mentioned she hadn’t shit in a few days I was told to “massage the sphincter”. Thankfully she went before this became necessary

  • You’ve actually made me wheeze like Mutley with this…that last picture nearly set off an asthma attack. I hope you’re bloody proud of yourself.

    PS…I like picking my youngest’s bogeys…and his eye boogers…and feel highly accomplished when I clean a big dollop of wax out of his ears.

    #brilliantblogposts

    • Haha awesome, that makes me feel well proud, thanks! Sounds like you’re as disgusting as me 🙂

  • This made me laugh out loud, these babies change us! Still can’t bear to wipe a nose with my hand though! Thanks for linking up to #brilliantblogposts

    • Thanks Vic – oh you’ve never lived until you’ve done that 🙂

  • Mum’s Days

    Oh how very delightful – parenting can be well minging! Very funny, thanks for linking up to #TheList xx

  • I wish I hadn’t read this post just as I’m eating my brekkie but it made I laugh (bit of Wurzel lingo there) lol
    Dignity goes down the pan when you’re a parent which this post so eloquently proves. Funny and entertaining post. 😉

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