6 Things That Prove Babies Are Purposefully Annoying

I have a lot of theories.

Granted, most of them probably aren’t worth the paper they are written on, but I’d at least like to think that a few have some merit.

One of the theories that appears to be gaining more traction every day is that babies are actually really clever and know what they are doing. They may act like these fragile, stupid, mini-versions of us, but they are really plotting away in their tiny little brains like some kind of stinky, pukey Bond villain.

Baby evil plotting

Baby L rubbing her hands together in Devilish glee as she plots her next villainous act.

They have perfected this act so much that us parents are at their mercy 24/7. We are under their tiny little thumbs. They get what they want, when they want it regardless of time, place or situation. They wear us down with their incessant screaming, continual nappy changes and thirst for milk. In short, babies are pretty bloody annoying and they do it on purpose.

Here are seven perfect examples which show that Baby L is a very clever, annoying, manipulative, little madame:

  • She has her dummy, but spits it out, then cries:  Despite being more than happy sucking her dummy, Baby L makes a point of spitting it out, or most recently pulling it out with her hands, so that she can then cry because it isn’t in her mouth. If this isn’t attention seeking behaviour, I don’t know what is. To put it into a different context, it’s like me purposefully throwing my plate of food on the floor, then getting angry because I no longer have it. To make things worse, she decides to do this when she’s trying to go to sleep. Just keep the dummy in your mouth and go to sleep you annoying little git.

 

  • Her bath is ready, we put her in it, then she has a piss:  We have spent time ensuring that the bath is the right temperature, the correct depth has been reached and just enough bubbles adorn the surface. Baby L has been laying on her changing mat for a good ten minutes with her nappy off talking to the ceiling above her. We pick her up, place her into her baby bath seat, then stand back in order to enjoy her giggles and splashing. But Baby L has other ideas – a bit like Ground Force always wanting to install a water feature in someone’s garden, the little tyke decides she wants to create her own fountain by peeing in the bath and thus contaminating her watery surroundings. That then means extra work is required to drain the bath and fill it back up again. She has a telling look in her eyes which suggest that this was all done on purpose.
Baby in bath

Baby L contemplating whether to purposefully contaminate the bath. 

  • She’s awake, so she’ll ensure that we’re awake too:  This has become more common since reaching four months old, as the little one is ‘enjoying’ teething, a growth spurt and sleep regression. This means that she’s waking more in the night, either because she is in pain, hungry or just being annoying. But having said that, the little one has always had a habit of ensuring that we’re awake if she’s awake (N.B. when I say “we’re” I mean the missus as I rarely wake up now a days!). In the early days this was through crying which is to be expected. However, recently this has taken on the form of her pretending that she is at a Metallica gig as she thrashes around like she’s in a mosh pit and shouts at the top of her lungs now that she’s discovered her voice. We’ll (aka the missus) will often wake in the night to the sound of thuds as Baby L rolls, punches and kicks in an effort to disrupt our (aka the missus’) sleep. Every time she succeeds and we awaken from our slumber, she looks up all innocent and bright-eyed prior to flashing a big toothless smile. If that’s not manipulative, I don’t know what is!

 

  • She’s carefully chooses when to sick / crap to create maximum havoc:  This usually occurs at one of the following times – we’re just about to leave the house, she / us have just changed into clean clothes, we’re somewhere where there are no toilets, we are running late, her nappy has just been changed etc etc. If babies were considerate, they’d puke onto the muslin cloth, not on your trousers when the cloth was taken away seconds before, or they’d shit their pants as you enter Tesco with an empty trolley, not when you’re just about to pay and find yourself as far away from the toilets as possible. Tally all of the times when a baby is sick or empties their bowels at a convenient time, then do the same for when it happens at the worst possible time. I can guarantee that the latter happens more frequently, thus proving that babies are vengeful dicks.

 

  • She literally leaves you bloodied and bruised:  Babies are violent. For something so small, they can cause maximum damage. If it isn’t for their Wolverine-like clause scratching at your chest, neck or face, then it’s their over-sized head landing forcefully on your nose. Think about it – if babies were stupid and innocent, they wouldn’t arm themselves with weapons on their fingers or a neck with no muscles which allows them to whip their head in your direction. In addition, those annoying little blighters make sure they strike when your most vulnerable, namely when your hands are busy comforting or winding them. What kind of creature attacks something else when it is defenceless and unable to protect itself?

 

  • She’s doing something, then stops as soon as you try to capture it:  This happens too often for it just to be a coincidence. The examples are countless. Baby L is on her play mat making loud, joyful sounds – I get out my phone to record it, but she goes silent. Baby L is smiling away and we want to get a photo of her toothless grin, so she decides to start crying as soon as she sees the camera. This also includes when she purposefully does the opposite of what you say, just to make you sound like a tit. So if I say to my parents, do X and she’ll do Y, she obviously doesn’t. Or if I say she always sneezes twice, she’ll make sure she sneezes just the once. Very, very annoying.


I rest my case. Babies are not only annoying, but they do it on purpose. Their little brains are smarter than we imagine and they know what to do in order to cause mass annoyance. Think about what your little one did or does and then try to tell me that they aren’t the puppeteer carefully manipulating us to do exactly what they want. What do you reckon?

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  • Disillusioned Dad

    You’re onto something here, a friend of mine told me this story about one of the worlds best interrogators. Now when you’re interrogating someone, you have to know them and do your research on them, you need to understand how they tick in order to choose your best approach. Now this guy wrote a book about where he learned how to perfect a lot of his approaches and it was from sitting behind a child on an aircraft. The boy was about 5 years old and had a toy taken away from him. What the interrogator witnessed was a systematic methodology of elimination of approaches until the boy got what he wanted all the way through from the hard approach: “I hate you, give it back!” to bargaining, reasoning, blackmail etc. The 5 year old child naturally knew what successful interrogators were taught as adults and more. They are truly evil geniuses!

    • Haha, great story. Just proves that we can learn more things from kids that we expect 🙂

  • Adventures of a Novice Mum

    O dear … lol … 😉 “Their little brains are smarter than we imagine” – I fully agree with this! There are times when it looks like they are here to try us, our patience, our perseverance, our ability to stay awake on little sleep … etc. And indeed, our patience, perservance, ability to stay awake on little sleep and so much more grows with them! They are such bundles of joy and despite it all, we wouldn’t be without them – comes a mum that went into motherhood almost relunctantly, and with hestation.

    Thanks for your post 🙂

    • Thanks for the comment. I think you sum it up really well – despite all of the pain we suffer, we wouldn’t have it any other way 🙂

  • Ha ha!! I do think they are smarter than we give them credit for. So funny!

  • Mummy on a Budget

    So very true. They’re so smart and they just seem to get smarter! And all they have to do is give you one of their dopey eyed looks or big smiles and they’re forgiven. Just like that!

    • Yep, very true! Just one look with the big eyes or a cute smile makes you forgive everything. Even at 3am in the morning when they won’t go to sleep as we’re finding out at the moment 🙂

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  • Hehehehe,
    Maybe she is trying to tell you there is not quite enough water in the bath =P hehe
    Love these, ah and it gets even more fun (is fun the word I am looking for?) when they are mobile and can create even more havoc!!

    • Haha, good point Jenni, maybe we should fill the bath up more. But, if that isn’t the reason, it will just be more wasted water and more time spent filling it back up again! Thanks for the head up about when they’re mobile, I’ll look forward to that ‘fun’ 🙂

  • Joy and Pops

    This is so funny!
    I am a bit concerned though that my first thought on the bath water was that you actually bother to drain and refill it?? This maybe says more about my family than I care to admit but with two daughters in one bath I have no idea who is weeing or not and it’s definitely not getting refilled!!
    Just wait until you possibly have another and then it’s like having a super villain and sidekick!!
    Loved this post! Xx

  • You Baby Me Mummy

    Ha ha! I agree all babies are evil geniuses! Thanks for linking up to #TheList x

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  • Kayla

    I remember all of these. It continues into the toddler and preschooler years, too. They just find different tactics is all. ? You have quite the adventure ahead of you!

  • @livingwithlayla

    This is such a funny post! The dummy thing is so frustrating!!!!

    • phuckyobartender

      yes like.. crazy baby you spit the darn thing out now you wanna cry lol

  • phuckyobartender

    this made me LOL literally! I am a mom of a 10yr old and 13yr old and currently pregnant. Oh lawd here we go again lol

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  • cheerfulchaos

    Thank you so much for this! I’m was sitting here damn near in tears of frustration because I have a six month old who thinks 30 minutes is a nap, and still isn’t sleeping through the night. I’m so sleep deprived it’s probably illegal for me to operate a motor vehicle. But this post made me laugh out loud and I really, really needed that. Thank you!! ❤️❤️❤️