8 Things To Consider If Having Sex In The Same Room As A Baby

Let’s cut straight to the chase and be adults about it. Sex is an important part of any relationship, both before and after the little bundle of joy enters the world.

But, being parents comes with it’s own complications when trying to get down and dirty with your loved one, particularly during the first six months when your baby is likely to sleep in the same room as you.

Some people find it weird to get it on with their partner if the baby is in earshot, whilst other people are not affected by their little one being just feet away. There is no right or wrong answer – you just need to do what feels comfortable for you both as a couple, but rest assured, your baby will not be scarred for life should you wish to get groovy in the sack whilst they sleep. That is unless something falls on them or they are knocked from their Moses basket during a particularly passionate embrace with your partner.

Should you wish to have sex in the same room as your baby, remember these eight points which will DEFINITELY help. These are in no way, shape or form based on personal experience either…

  • Rock the baby to sleep in their cot through vigorous love making. Just remember, the more you move around on the bed and in the bedroom, the more your movements will gently cradle the baby to slumber in their crib. This works particularly well if the baby is situated in close proximity to the bed, ideally in some type of cot which attaches to the bed – the back and forth motion from the amorous couple will transfer across the mattress to the crib. If this is not possible, remember to nudge the Moses basket with any part of your, or your partner’s, body – be it a leg, an arm, a buttock or anything else which is available.

le futur s'annonce beau... Cedric Lange via Compfight

  • Ensure that the baby is not in bed with you. This is a definite no-no. Not only is it dangerous for the little one, but it may also be crossing a boundary that will see you placed on some kind of register for the rest of your life. Sometimes the passion can take over when you are embraced with your lover, but remember, the baby could become crushed or lodged during the act of love making. It is safer for the baby to be anywhere else in the bedroom than in the bed when the mood is right – their Moses basket or crib is obviously the safest place, but the floor, window sill or on top of the wardrobe are also alternative options.

Violet Jo and Justin Gareth Beynon via Compfight

  • If dirty talk is your thing, choose your words wisely or say nothing at all. Becoming a parent litters your world with sexual innuendos that you try to ignore on a daily basis. There is no worse time for one of these to crop up than when you are getting down and dirty with your partner(s) of choice. If, during the throes of passion, you wish to vocalise your excitement, do not, and I repeat, DO NOT say anything that could be misconstrued. “Who’s your daddy” or “do you like that, baby”, for instance, are definite no-nos.

Luuuuke.... Dustin via Compfight

  • It is fine when the baby is a baby, but not when they are a toddler, child, tweenager or teenager. Babies do not know what is going on at the best of times. They cannot comprehend or understand what is happening, which makes it pretty OK to have a bit of rumpy pumpy if they are in the same room as you. But, do not start having sex when you are in the same room as your kid when they are a bit older. It just becomes awkward if you start getting it on whilst watching The Great British Bake Off as your 12-year old purposefully concentrates on the nice baps or soggy bottoms on the TV screen as opposed to in the same room as him.

Disgusted iwishmynamewasmarsha via Compfight

  • If considering bondage, ensure you can be released quickly. Babies can wake without any prior warning. One minute they are sound asleep, the next they are flaying around screaming their little lungs out needing your attention. Remember that you may need to attend to them at short notice, so ensure that you can escape from your restrictions easily and quickly should you need to. Handcuffs around the wrists or scarves securing you to the headboard are fine, but sex swings or gimp costumes can become a bit of a pain should you need to escape quickly.

18 January 2007: Bondage Bear Ulleskelf via Compfight

  • Don’t confuse a dummy with a sex toy. It may have a phallic like teet, but steer clear of incorporating a dummy into your fun and games. No-one over toddler age looks good sucking on one, whilst a dummy offers very little in terms of length or girth. Do everyone a favour and buy a sex toy to satisfy your needs rather than experimenting with things you may find around the house. If you accidentally or purposefully disregard this piece of advice, please remember to sterilise the dummy before and after future use.

ShnullerfeeCreative Commons License barockschloss via Compfight

  • Antibacterial hand gel does not make good lube and lube does not make good hand gel. Both antibacterial gel and lube come in bottles of similar size and shape, whilst the consistency of the liquid is difficult to distinguish once on your hands (or other bodily regions). Do not get the two confused with each other. Instead, quickly pop on a light when leaning over to the bedside table, to ensure you’ve picked up the correct bottle. You could also choose different ‘flavours’ to help distinguish – a motto which helps me to remember is “mint when randy, lemon for the handy”.

Time For LubeCreative Commons License haymarketrebel via Compfight

  • If involved in threesomes, choose someone good with babies. It is hard work being new parents and they appreciate any help they can get with the little sprog. So, if introducing a third party to the bedroom, it makes complete sense to check that they are good with babies / kids and are willing to help out with looking after them. Some good professions that you may consider when it comes to a third party are doctors, midwives, teachers, kid’s party entertainers or Santa impersonator.

Scary Clown Tim Coffey via Compfight

It’s OK, you don’t need to thank me, I know that these tips are awesome. I hope that they come in useful for you – let me know how you get on 🙂

Featured image from lergik via Compfight

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  • martyn

    Haha this had me in stitches good job.
    Future note….no scary clowns please **shudders**

    • Thanks Martyn – haha, OK I’ll bear that in mind or ensure there is a disclaimer at the start! 🙂

  • El and Baby A

    ”mint when randy, lemon for the handy”

    I am dying here!!

    • Thanks! I was particularly proud of that, although not as proud as the filthier version I shared with you separately 🙂

  • john adams

    A dummy is phallic like? I don’t mean to be personal….but just how big is yours??

    As for anti-baterial hand gel, remind me to tell you the story one day about the German hippies and the tube of Deep Heat muscle rub.

    • I have a condition called micro-penis John, so I can only reach dummy status when VERY excited 🙂 That sounds a pretty interesting story – I’m going to tweet you now to find out 🙂

      • Crying with laughter here!

      • Louise Collier

        Hahaha!

  • Monica Gilbert

    This was one of the funniest things I’ve seen in a long time. Thanks for the laugh! I’ll be showing it to my husband when he gets home.

    • Thanks Monica, pleased you enjoyed! I think I was in a particularly strange mood the day I wrote this (having just read it back again) haha!

  • Lol, this made me laugh so much.

  • Lol, this is so funny – really made me laugh. I do love your motto for helping avoid confusion between antibacterial hand gel and lube! Brilliant post 🙂

    • Thanks Louise – I did come up with another more x-rated motto but thought I should try to keep things a bit more decent! 🙂

  • Julie S.

    Ok this is hilarious 😉 Thanks for the laugh.

  • Ooh the antibac gel one made me wince (remembering an episode involving heat rub…).
    Thanks for the giggle x

    • Louise Collier

      Ouch!

    • I can probably imagine, but you need to share details now…!

  • Yvette Lamb

    Hahaha! Very funny – love the threesome advice 😉 #thelist

    • Thanks – I think the threesome advice is probably the best and most practical. Perhaps something that should be considered when looking for (over 16 year old!) babysitters etc?

  • minitravellers

    This is brilliant. Love it! #pocolo

  • Merlinda Little

    YOur photos are just so spot on =P
    Thanks for the honesty and making this topic a fun one =)
    #brillblogposts

    • Thanks Merlinda, I particularly like the bondage bear 🙂

  • Rachel Cooper

    This is bloody BRILLIANT. ‘Nuff said!

  • Tin Box Traveller

    ‘Spat out my tea’ funny! #PoCoLo

  • Lisa

    This is hilarious and oh so completely true! Littlun was in our room until he was two…safe to say we used the sofa!!!!! #weekendbloghop

    • Haha that sounds wise. Surely nothing worse than a toddler saying something like “dad, what are you doing to mum?” In the middle of the act.

  • Ha Ha. Children aka passion killers! great post #PoCoLo

  • Haha!! The threesome one made me spit my drink out!! So funny

    • Thanks Helen – totally practical though, don’t you think?!

  • You Baby Me Mummy

    Haha! Love your little bondage bear! Thanks for linking up to #TheList x

  • Bloody hell, your sex life sounds wild! Hehe! Thanks for linking up to #brilliantblogposts

    • Haha, I wish! Let’s just say my imagination was used a fair bit for this post 🙂

  • Victoria Welton

    Hahaha! Brilliant! I really must remember these 😉 Thank you for linking to #PoCoLo

    • You could always print out and put above the end of the bed? 🙂

  • Twinmumanddad

    Lol. Thanks for linking up to the #BinkyLinky

  • Cardiff Mummy Says

    Ha, this made me laugh. A lot! Great post. #mmwbh

  • Mum-ology Blog

    Hilarious! Love it!

  • Louise Collier

    Oh my goodness, this made me laugh and feel a bit sick at the same time (the dummy bit in particular!).“Mint when randy, lemon for the handy” really made me laugh out loud! Your imagination, or, ahem, sex life is crazy! x #MMWBH

    • Haha, that was exactly the response I was looking for – laughing whilst trying not to be sick in your own mouth. I’m pleased I succeeded. I’d love to say it was my sex life, but it is more imagination (or is it?!)

  • Kate Fever

    Oh my goodness, I sniggered all the way through this post. ‘Who’s the Daddy’ is a particularly bad phrase lmao. #MMWBH

    • Haha, isn’t it just. I think I’ve got a totally new post somewhere in my head about how having a baby ruins a lot of phrases 🙂

  • Oh dear this made me blush and laugh at the same time. Great post. Thanks for linking up to Share With Me #sharewithme

  • MummyandMonkeys

    Haha, this made me laugh! X

  • teacuptoria

    Sweet child of mine!! That is hilarious. Love it, love it, love it! I’m so glad you have provided this ‘helpful, insightful’ advice. Particularly ‘mint when randy, lemon for the handy’. x

    • Thanks! Haha, what’s with the quote marks around helpful and insightful 🙂 Nice work on the use of Sweet child of mine too, not heard that in quite a while.

  • stoppingattwo

    Hilarious!! Love all these posts you have linked up with for #SundayStars this week but have nearly choked on my cup of tea whilst reading them!
    Thanks for giving me a good laugh this morning 🙂

    • Thanks for reading and for the linky – my first time of linking up. Sorry for any tea choking, maybe I’ll include a health warning next time 🙂

  • Mrs H

    Absolutely hysterical. I love your motto about the lube. So so funny! Hugs Mrs H xxxx #SundayStars

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  • Mornapiper

    This was so funny. It just made me laugh in the middle of Grimm which made my husband quite angry. I love the gimp teddy – I’m really sorry if you now find that people are finding you through searching the term ‘gimp teddy’.

    • Haha, sorry for watching his Grimm viewing – to be fair, I did him a favour as it’s not very good! 🙂 That’s fine, I have a lot worse search terms than that! 🙂

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  • Mama MKDPR

    Haha!…..and ew in equal measures. Difficult to pull off. I tip my hat to you, sir.

    • Why thank you laughing and being repulsed is pretty much my life!

  • Charlotte Pearson

    I am crying with laughter #FridayFrolics

  • If you’re loved one is a bit loud, putting her face down in a pillow is helpful. Just trying to help!

  • Talya

    Hahah just brilliant! #FridayFrolics