An Open Apology To My 8-Month Old Daughter

After the ‘success’ of writing an open apology to the missus back in October, I thought I’d take a leaf out of my own book and do the same for Baby L. When I say ‘success’, I mean that the missus didn’t leave me despite me being a dick, so the public display of affection, gratitude and guilt must have worked. I’m therefore happy to try it again with the little one and hope for similar results.

As Baby L is 8-months old to the day, what more could a kid want than some written words on a computer screen? Sure, there’s toys, clothes, days out and other more traditional presents, but I feel like an explanation as to why the sprog is most likely messed up for life is worth so much more.

So here goes…

Dear Baby L,

I’m writing this note to explain some stuff and say sorry…

During your short 8-months, I’ve tried to be the best dad I can and give you a good start in life. But this hasn’t always gone to plan.

I have a few admissions that I need to profess. I know that I could keep these confessions to myself and never tell you, but the burden is already too large to bear.

The only chance I have to make things right between us is to apologise openly and publicly.

Here we go:

  • I apologise for the multiple times that I have given you food that has been thrown on the floor – I realise that if I wouldn’t eat the germ-covered food, then I shouldn’t try to put it in your mouth.
  • I apologise for the time that you headbutted the edge of your cot and was left with a mark – I was too preoccupied with taking photos of you sitting cutely that I forgot to make sure you didn’t fall over.
baby in crib peekaboo

A cute photo of Baby L before she smacked her face on the cot – to be fair, it was worth it for this peekaboo snap!

  • I apologise for trying to make you laugh by putting your hand on the end of a hoover – I should have known that you were more likely to scream and cry than to happily chuckle.
  • I apologise for the numerous times that you’ve had to look at my out of shape, naked body when I’ve put you on the bathroom floor whilst I’ve showered – I had to find a way to ensure you were safe whilst I got on with everyday tasks, but that does not excuse the terrors you have witnessed.
  • I apologise for the time that you were forced to spend all night laying in your own piss-soaked babygrow and sleeping bag – I thought that I’d put your nappy on correctly before you went to bed, but my incompetence must have prevailed.
  • I apologise for that lapse in judgement when I was distracted before your bath and found you chewing your used nappy – I should have known to watch you like a hawk and not introduce you to piss and shit in this way.
  • I apologise for the time that I scared you when I used a hand dryer after changing your nappy in a public toilet – I should have realised that the loud, strange and scary noise would take you by surprise, whilst my hands could have dried naturally.
  • I apologise for the time that I ate my sandwich off your back as you slept on my lap (and also the time I rested a biscuit on your head) – I was knackered, starving and stuck beneath your sleeping body, but I do realise that you have so much more to offer than just being a table.
Baby with sandwich on back

Eating a sandwich off Baby L’s back whilst she napped – that’s right, I’m a ketchup fiend!

  • I apologise for the weird outfit combinations I’ve forced you to wear when it’s been my turn to dress you for the day – fashion is not my speciality, however I should have realised that the first items I put my hands on do not necessarily mean that they go together.
  • I apologise for all of those times that I’ve blamed that awful smell on you when it was in fact me who let rip – I should take responsibility for my actions and not blame a small, defenceless baby. If I pass the buck to anyone, it should be the dog.

That is everything I wish to get off my chest. For now, at least. Please forgive me for these mistakes. They have been committed with the best of intentions and no malice was involved, although I realise that this may give you little solace.

Lots of Love,

Dad

Post shared on the following linkies:

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N.B. This is an updated version of a post that I originally wrote for One Chic Mom. Some parts have been re-written whilst other original bits remain.

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  • Mornapiper

    He he! I liked this. A lot of our 0-3 month baby Gros are food stained because Helen slept on me so much. I’m not sure I ever balanced the plate in her though!

    • Thanks. Haha, that’s where you were going wrong – a plate hides the stains 🙂

  • hahaha! What a great apology….
    That photo of the sandwich on her back – Too funny! I have done that before…Eek! x

    • Thanks 🙂 Haha good work, I like to call it extreme parenting.

  • Sarah Bear =]

    What a great post! So funny!
    Don’t worry, we all do silly things sometimes! 😀
    whimsicalmumblings.blogspot.co.uk

    • Thanks Sarah – great, pleased I’m not alone in some of the ‘mistakes’ I’ve made 🙂

  • Awesome! Hilarious, and that peekaboo photo is too cute! I must say though that it is never crossed my mind that Boo could have been used as a table, I feel like I have missed out now!

    • Thanks for reading. Haha, a baby wouldn’t be great for the likes of a sunday dinner or a curry, but the odd sandwich or snack works quite well 🙂

  • MyLifeAsAMummy

    I absolutely love this! So funny!

    Than you for linking up with the #WeekendBlogHop

    Laura x x x

  • hahaha this is brilliant! Love the accompanying photos too x #mbpw

    • Thanks 🙂 Haha, yeh the biscuit is one of my favourites!

  • Rebecca Slinger

    Oh I love this, I too have done the hoover thing.. what were we thinking? 😉

    MamaMuse

    http://www.mamamuselovelyshoes.com

    • I have know idea, but it seemed like such a good idea at the time! Great to hear that I’m not alone 🙂

  • Mama MKDPR

    Ha! Brill. I could also make most of these apologies to my son. I’ll admit My ADHD caused me to become distracted by one photo. Are you eating a ham roll with ketchup? What’s wrong with you???? #MBPW

    • Haha I was waiting to comment on that! Of course I am! Ketchup goes with absolutely everything, with the exception of cereal, soup and curry.

  • this is so funny! my children actually do love to be hoovered up so she may grow to love it! and to make you feel better my other half actually once didn’t even put a nappy on the baby after a bath because he ‘forgot’ that was fun! thanks for linking up to #sundaystars

    • Thanks Amy, pleased you liked 🙂 Haha that definitely makes me feel better 🙂

  • That’s a fairly short list, for eight months!
    Don’t worry, the hoover thing is something they grow to appreciate. S is 3 now and being hoovered is one of the best ways to get a proper belly giggle out of her.
    Thanks for linking up with the #WeekendBlogHop!

    • Haha – I did have other ones to add but didn’t want to look too incompetent. Pleased to hear that the hoover becomes a favourite. Thanks 🙂

  • Rachel – tenminutesspare

    That’s a great list. Had a good giggle and also reminisced about multiple similar episodes in baby pumpkins life. I can definitely relate to the terror experienced by little one due to hand drier in the toilet.

    • Thanks Rachel – haha, pleased I’m not the only one to have done that!

  • El and Baby A

    Jesus that’s a lovely plate you have!
    I have done some of these things to Aidan too it’s only fair imagine the length of their apology letter!

    • That’s a very good point – maybe I need to start doing more misguided stuff!

  • Ha ha, love it. The table is brilliant. As for blaming her for your wrongdoings…wait til she’s 3 or 4, she’ll get you back by blaming you.

    • Thanks 🙂 I can’t even picture next week, let alone 3 years time!

  • ha ha, do you know my /husband used to choose some strange combinations too !

  • Gym Bunny Mummy

    haha, that’s a pretty short list I’d dread to think what mine would be like if I started thinking about it! #SundayStars

    • Haha – there’s plenty more, I just didn’t want to make it out I was too bad a dad!

  • Charlotte Pearson

    Brilliant! Great pics – also love that cot protector #MBPW

  • Haha – how funny is the table and the biscuit?! Bless her. So funny. The cute pic of her in the cot was so worth it!
    Bx

  • Spidermummy

    Lol, I’ve a feeling there may be more apologies in the future?…!!! Great post! #sharewithme

  • lianne

    This is brilliant haha! Im sure she forgives you! 😉

  • John Adams

    Good grief Dave, if I attempted such a letter, it would be so, so, so long. This made me lauch in places and a few of the points, well, we’ve all been there. Great post, great post indeed. #MMWBH

    • Cheers John – haha, I’d like to see that list, it might make me feel better!

  • This is one of the funniest letters I have read thus far. I love the sandwich photo. I’m sure that she’ll forgive you despite your discrepancies. And no matter how many bisqcuits or sandwiches you lay upon her, she’ll still think you are one of the best! Thank you for sharing (and for giving me a laugh!)

    • Aww, thanks Maria, pleased you liked. Let’s hope so – to be fair, it won’t be long before she’s eating my biscuits that I put on her head anyway!

  • Charlotte @ Educating Elsa

    She looks so cute with a biscuit on her head!

  • Jenny @ Unremarkable Files

    I always use my pregnant belly as a TV tray, so I don’t think babies mind being used the same way for a few months postpartum.

    • Great point – maybe more stuff should be balanced on them!

  • Merlinda Little

    Firstly I love that card plate!

    Haha. I dont think she minds all this. I think she will find this all funny and fun when she is old enough to read and understand. But she might use this to get some stuff that she wants in the future tho =P

    #mmwbh

    • Haha – yeah it is a cool plate isn’t it – we have 4 plates with different suits! Yeah, I imagine it’ll be used when she wants a pony or something!

  • kidGLloves

    The Mother says – OK, I’ve just shown this to the OH and he’s been giggling like a girl, especially at blaming the baby when you fart!!! Think this is definitely a Daddy rite of passage and he’s a little bit in awe of you for the ‘baby tray’. He does actually think this is genius!!! Brilliant post x #sharewithme

    • Haha! Yes, definitely a dad thing! Thanks for reading and pleased your other half enjoyed it too!

  • Hhaha I love this and so hilarious but true too and we all have done most of these too. You are not alone. Apologies to all children. lol Thank you ever so much for linking up to Share With Me #sharewithme

  • K @ Eat.Love.Live

    Haha, I love this! I’m sure your baby will accept your apology when she’s old enough to read it. I especially like the 2nd last point – daddy/ baby fashion is so funny. You can always tell which parent dressed the baby in my house! 🙂 #thelist

    • Thanks! Yes, ditto, I think most dads lack a fashion gene! 🙂

  • This was so funny and so true – so don’t fee l like you’re the only one who’s done these things!!! You’ve made me think about stuff I should apologise for…..

    • Thanks for reading and pleased you enjoyed – I’m intrigued now, would be cool to read your list?!

  • Baby Isabella @dear_mummy

    What a great and funny post. I’m sure she’ll forgive you when she grows up 😉 Dad farts smell worse than baby farts! #PoCoLo

    • Haha, yeh I’d tend to agree with you there, although it is a close call depending on what’s been eaten!

  • Cardiff Mummy Says

    Awww, we all have those rubbish parent moments, don’t worry, but thanks for giving me a giggle. Love the biscuit photo. I’m sure there’s a million awesome things you do as a parent that more than make up for it! #fridayfrolics

    • Thanks – I’m pretty sure there’s at least 3 things I do which are good so that should make up for the misguided! 🙂

  • Aw you softie, stop eating of your kids back though and get thee to Pinterest to up your fashion game! Thanks for linking up to #brilliantblogposts x

    • Haha, what’s wrong with my superhero trousers?! She made a decent table, it’d be rude not to 🙂

  • Victoria Turner

    What a fabulous letter, I’m sure all of us could write letters just like this and worse too, but I did cry with laughter at some of yours.

  • I love the ‘table’ picture 🙂

    Thanks for linking up #FridayFrolics

  • Ah, this is a lovely apology and I hope when she grows up, she accepts it. Had me chuckling a few times too. #PoCoLo

  • mummyofboygirltwins

    Love these photos! Hilarious. Fab post and so funny. Thanks for linking up #sundaystars

  • You Baby Me Mummy

    Fabulous!, Love this, that picture of her being a table is so funny. Thanks so much for linking up to #TheList x

  • Oh I love this. I have to confess to having eaten a few meals over a sleeping child and have had one or two moments where trying to take photos of a cute moment has resulted in a little one falling over and headbutting something.

    • Haha – that’s great to hear that I’m not alone, although obviously not great for you or your little one at the time 🙂

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  • Victoria Welton

    Hahaha! Very good – and that photo of the ham roll on top of the baby is brilliant (I bet we have all done this!). Thank you for linking to #PoCoLo x

    • Thanks Vic – they do make a surprisingly good table 🙂

  • Hilarious , very cute she’s adorable

  • Super Busy Mum

    This post had me in stitches, absolutely hilarity! And how adorable IS that peek-a-boo shot! Thanks so much for linking up with #MMWBH x

    • Thanks Debs, pleased you enjoyed 🙂 Haha, yeah it is a pretty cute photo, but then again I am biased! 🙂

  • Hilarious! Poor table baby, we’ve all been there though 🙂

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  • OMGitsagirl

    Brilliant. Have to admit I’ve never used my kids as a table!!
    My son often went with me to the toilet as I couldn’t hold it till he was fully asleep, but for some reason won’t dream of doing it with #BabyPink.

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  • Beth

    This post !!! haha! Hilarious! I laughed all the way haha

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  • This made me laugh out loud! Especially the first point, we’d never be guilty of this would we…

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