Babies: The Sexual Innuendo Killers

I love a good sexual innuendo. Call me immature (many do), but there’s nothing funnier than hearing someone say something which makes them sound like a right perv even though no hidden sexual connotations were implied.

Who here can honestly say that they didn’t giggle like an immature school girl when they watched Frozen for the first time and heard Anna plead with Kristoff to ‘take her up the North Mountain’?

Just the other day in fact, we were watching Peppa Pig when our favourite fictional pig (well, after Babe, Piglet, Porky Pig, Miss Piggy, Hamm, Harry Plopper / Spider-Pig etc) shockingly propositioned her own brother.

However, my enjoyment for the lewd, crude and rude has taken a massive hit since becoming a dad. What used to be overwhelming enjoyment now makes me feel a little queasy and downright wrong. The reason being that every other sentence that comes (haha, comes…) out of my mouth when talking about, or talking to, my baby daughter has some kind of unwanted sexual innuendo attached to it.

No matter how hard (haha, hard…) I try though, I’m just unable to stop littering my vocabulary with words or phrases that seem to imply something else. Usually, I’d just laugh it off and draw attention to it, but I’m a little conscious of doing so when the subject matter is baby-related – the last thing I want is to earn an unwanted reputation around the mums at baby classes.

If you don’t believe me, these are the top five words / phrases I’ve found myself saying, before realising the sexual innuendo connotations. Before a baby it was fine, however with a baby it is just wrong! I apologise in advance if any of this affects your viewpoint or changes your vocabulary too!

5) “Daddy” – How can you say everyday, normal things about being a father without creating sexual undertones? Phrases such as “come to daddy”, “sit on Daddy’s knee” or “give Daddy a kiss” come across very differently when you have a baby compared to not having one.

4) Reprimanding – Sometimes, you have to say “no” and let babies / kids know that their behaviour is unacceptable. However, try saying “you’ve been a naughty girl” or “you’ve been a bad girl” without turning it into a sexual innuendo.

3) Unclean – Babies have a habit of being messy, be it during the weaning process, when playing outside or during messy play. But, once more, there is no way you can say phrases such as “you’re dirty” or “that’s filthy” without the mind wandering to the crude.

2) Weaning – Embarking on the fun and messy journey that is weaning inadvertently leads to many a sexual innuendo. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve been giving food to Baby L and found myself saying something risqué like “put this into your mouth”, “have a suck on this” and “stop spitting, just swallow”.

1) Sleep – The less said about this, the better. All I will say is that sentences such as “she’s just gone down”, “she’s been going down really well recently” or “she goes down pretty quickly”, have a very different meaning when you’re talking about your wife versus your baby.

Have you found yourself saying anything innocent which came out in a different way? How has your language changed since having a kid? Please tell me that it’s not just me who thinks these things?! Let me know below!

Featured image from le Liz via Compfight

Post shared on the following linkies:

Mums' Days Post Comment LoveFriday Frolics
Brilliant blog posts on HonestMum.com

[jetpack_subscription_form subscribe_text=”Like what you’ve read? Want more? Pop in your email to get all of the latest posts.”]

  • Carlyakamummy

    Ha ha ha so wrong but I too have to hold my tongue. My husband on the other hand, simply blurts out a Kenneth Williams ‘ooh err’ he cant help himself.

    • Haha, I think your husband is on to something – you’ve got to draw attention to it when a sexual innuendo has been dropped.

  • *Beth Twinderelmo*

    Snort snort snort! Glad it’s not just me that struggles to keep a straight face!! When anyone uses the word gash… I mean come on!!!!!!!!

  • Sugarandrhubarb

    EPIC! Maybe we watch Frozen daily just so I can inwardly snort at the North Mountain bit.

  • hahaha! This made me laugh out loud…..

  • Elaine Livingstone

    I have at say I love kids films where the humour and innuendo is way above the children but all the adult laugh like loons. It is even worse when your child comes away with something that is so innocent but you read into it what is not there.

    • Yeah, it definitley makes kids films and TV shows more entertaining for the adults – just makes you wonder what was ‘hidden’ in all of the shows/films we grew up with!

  • My mummy enjoys innuendo bingo on Radio One, it makes her laugh out loud. Great post funny and witty #PoCoLo

    • Thanks 🙂 Yep, agreed, one of the best things on the radio 🙂

  • You are hilarious. That is all.

  • Kelly

    Ewwww! Such a male ;). Thanks….now every time I say these things I am going to think about it in a dirty way! #FridayFrolics

  • Yes, I have noticed this problem. We have two girls, and my OH says things all the time that would be funny but sound very wrong in relation to our little girls. Then we don’t know if it is okay to still laugh? Is it okay to laugh?? Do social services know if you laugh?? More information needed, please! #fridayfrolics

    • Exactly, I know your dilemma all too well! I think laughing it off is the best policy 🙂

  • Merlinda Little

    Haha! This is funny! I think we are on the same wavelength. In my country we call this green minded and that is what I am always =P

  • Rob Carew

    Great post and so true. With three little girls myself, most of my innuendo magic is gone. Sometimes, when we sneak away for a little holiday without the kids, it shows up again but mostly, it’s gone.

    • Haha – sounds like you need to go on more holidays then 🙂

  • Ha Ha! I couldn’t stop giggling when reading the big one Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. ‘Willy Wonka’ is a bit of a tongue twister. One I frequently tripped over! Thanks for linking up to #FridayFrolics

    • Haha, I’ve never thought about willy wonka in that way – thanks 🙂

  • whineorwine

    ha ha ha very c
    lever very funny and so true!! The things we say!! #fridayfrolics

  • Love this! SO true. And yet I feel so guilty for giggling 🙂 #fridayfrolics x

  • Breed And Write

    Thank God for this post! The husband and I are a nightmare for this, I actually ban people from using the phrase “How did she go down?” because I cannot control my giggles.

    • Haha, yeah exactly – it’s almost like people forget what this means. I don’t want the phrase associated with my daughter in anyway, even when she’s 18!

  • Absolutely Prabulous

    When I’ve finally stopped laughing, I’ll write a sensible comment. Hilarious. Stop IT! #fridayfrolics

  • john adams

    Oh wow, I’m not the only one. In fact this reminds me of a conversation I overheard in a lift between two new dads, one of them making a comment about “special cream” in reference to a skin cream his family used. All very awkward.

    • Haha – I’m sure you could get arrested for rubbing your special cream on your baby…

  • Helen

    My 4 year old daughter just told me she wants to have a sausage party. Me and my husband sniggered uncontrollably behind our hands. #fridayfrolics

    • Hahah, that’s awesome – looks like I’ll have even more fun when she learns to talk then 🙂

  • Victoria Welton

    This is SO true!! A couple of weeks back a friend of ours came to stay (even that sounds wrong now!) He has no kids and he suddenly realised that he could not say anything in front of Grace without it sounding wrong! Thanks for linking to #PoCoLo

    • Haha, the curse of not having any kids and being loose with your tongue! 🙂

  • Utter filth resides here, I can’t imagine why you brought this lurid post to my attention ahhaha! I, like you, have the mind of a 13 year old- I love a bit of harmless innuendo fun (although you’ve lost me countless followers on twitter with your naughty antics it must be said)! The funniest is us trying to get sensible Tim involved in our punning, naughty nonsense. Such bad influences! We’re still on for that calendar right?

    • Haha – good to know that there is an immature girl beneath your pro-blogger exterior 🙂

  • Oh you should be on the Inside No. 9 writing team with a sick mind like this Dave! I won’t be able to use any of these phrases now damn you! #FridayFrolics

    • I’ve not seen it before, but always open for new opportunities! 🙂

  • Too good, this has given me muchos LOLs. Hubs and I are stupidly immature. We were giggling earlier about how daddy is really good at making foamy milk, and ended up snorting about how his foamy milk brings all the boys to the yard while the kids looked on bemused…
    #pocolo

    • Good to hear. Maturity is over-rated anyway! Haha, that’s awesome – my foamy milk has never brought Baby L to the yard, but the missus’ boob milk has on multiple occasions.

  • Jeremy Barnes

    I just watched an episode of something where a squirrel kept talking about “deez nutz” in what I swear was a Snoop Dogg voice. Little couldn’t understand what was so funny..

  • Mr McD said, very innocently, ‘let me pull you off’, talking to our daughter on the swing, and I almost wet myself giggling. Damn innuendo! And damn weak pelvic floor!!

  • Random Musings

    Lmao, hilarious post and so true. Wait until your girl starts telling people ‘I was a bad girl so daddy had to punish me’ haha #brillblogposts
    Debbie
    http://www.myrandommusings.blogspot.com

  • Hahaha! I work with all men and I can’t say a bloody thing without it being turned into something! Especially ‘package’. Loved this, thanks for the laugh! #brilliantblogposts

    • Thanks – haha, package is a great word for innuendos. “I have a special package for you…”

  • lol yes you have to keep the thoughts to yourself now! Childrens cartoons are full of them too – it’s insanity. #brilliantblogposts

    • Yep, I’m starting to learn that now that kid’s shows are on the TV more often. Great entertainment for the parents 🙂

  • Brilliant post lol! I tried calling my partner daddy before the baby arrived and it felt so smutty! Thank god I’ve got used to it now…#brilliantblogposts

  • Tim

    You are evil. You should be taken round the back and, er, no … Damn it!

  • Sam

    Just plain wrong Dave!! You would be the perfect candidate for Scott Mills’ Innuendo Bingo 🙂 #thelist

  • hollyhockdoor

    Kids movies are the worst! My three year old always wants to know what’s so funny but when you say “mummy’s being silly” he laughs along too with his high-pitched Amadeus-giggle — which makes me laugh even more. #TheList

  • Babies are just one long cary on film! Now stop messing about 😉 #thelist

  • Mummy Muddler

    Hilarious!

    Not sexual, but the other other day my husband asked if our daughter’s sandwich was ready and I replied ‘I’m just cutting the cheese’. Oops.

    And this was a sticker in a Peppa sticker book.

    https://twitter.com/MummyMuddler/status/633989132084203521

    #thelist

  • I don’t think I’ve ever had that problem.

  • Pingback: Nursery Rhymes or Nursery Crimes? - The DADventurer()

  • Pingback: Sharing My Top 5 CBeebies Hotties - The DADventurer()