Splish Splash The Baby Shat In The Bath

Warning: If you feel unwell, have a weak stomach or generally don’t like poo talk, then do not read on. I repeat do not read on. OK, if you must, but don’t say I didn’t warn you…

So, the thing which I’ve feared the most finally happened on Tuesday. No, I didn’t drop the baby as I walked down the stairs or leave her on the roof of the car whilst I drove away. It was much worse than that.

Instead, Baby L decided to have a shit whilst in the bath. That’s right, the sprog decided that swimming in her own filth sounded like a good idea. Forgive me, but what a chubby, toothless skank!

What followed can only be compared to a full-blown hazardous waste clean-up operation which involved hosing down the baby and using industrial strength cleaner to remove all evidence of her crappy crime.

Up until this point, we’d had a nice day. We’d made the most of the sun by heading to a National Trust property to have a wander around. Little did we know what horrors lay in store later that evening.

The bedtime routine kicked in and it felt like any other night. I gave Baby L a mixture of different foods to put in her mouth throw on the floor at around 5.30pm, before the missus took her upstairs for her bath a bit later.

That’s when it happened. I heard a yell from upstairs, something along the lines of “Dave, she’s pooing in the bath” (the actual words escape me as I’ve tried to forget about the incident where possible).

I reluctantly made my way upstairs, only to find a look that I’d never seen on the missus’ face before. Actually, scrub that, I’ve seen it once before – when the midwife told her that she was about to give birth and should begin to push. A kind of shocked, terrified and hesitant combination which cannot be replicated in emoticon form.

Then my eyes veered towards the bath. Oh how I wish they hadn’t!

In the water sat my cute daughter making noises whilst surrounded by her bath toys. Much like any other night. However, on closer inspection I found that they weren’t bath toys. They were lumps of crap. And these weren’t happy noises, these were manly grunts as she pushed the excrement out of her tiny bum hole.

“She’s still doing it”, yelled the missus in horror. “What do we do?”, she questioned in a panic.

But I had no answers. The NCT classes hadn’t warned me about this. Neither did any of the books or blogs that I’ve read. I was lost, confused and holding back the sick from entering my mouth.

Like any good parent, I went to remove the sprog from the danger zone. I lifted the baby to get her out of the shitty water, but that was a mistake. Now my hands were tainted and she continued to grunt. I returned her back to the infested swamp, only to realise that a turd was clinging to the side of the bath.

Much like an iceberg breaking into the sea, this lump of crap had started to disband and scatter around the now toxic water. I looked around for a solution and spotted a toy fishing net which I thought could be used to sieve out the poop. If that’s how midwives deal with any floaters in a birthing pool, then surely it’d be fine in this situation too?

But I thought better of it. The last thing I wanted was to turn this into a disgusting version of hook-a-duck. Instead, I put the baby back in the water, unsure of where else she should go, and lifted the plug hole.

As the filthy water started to circle around the plug hole and lumps of the shit began to disappear, the missus grabbed a handful of toilet paper and started to scoop up the remnants of the little one’s expelled food.

Her finger went through the soggy paper and into the soft, squelchy turd. Bleurgh! Still, she continued her quest like a trooper as I swallowed my own sick and attempted to stop Baby L from picking up a floater.

Baby L drinking bath water

I was relieved that this wasn’t one of the days that she decided to drink the bath water…

As the water disappeared and the last brown chunks followed, I reached for the shower head attached to the bath. I turned it on full blast and realised that this must be what it felt like to be a fireman. A hero, with a hose, using water to deal with a disastrous situation.

I swilled the bath out a few times, then laid Baby L down in the empty bath. By this point she’d stopped grunting but was on the cusp of crying. I hosed her down with the water. This tipped her over the edge. Now, she screamed with such a verocity that I’m sure the next door neighbours were starting to dial Child Services.

Still, I cracked on. I fired the water into every chubby fold she owned. With a precision only associated with Crime Scene Investigators, I ensured no brown invaders had become lodged on her skin.

Now it was the missus’ turn to shine. She poured body wash onto the little one and lathered her up. Once covered head to toe, I hosed her down once more.

The baby was detoxified. The missus dried the sprog with a towel as I poured gallons of drain unblocker down the plug hole just in case it had reformed and wanted to resurface at a later date.

The ordeal was over. We’d survived – well, survived physically, perhaps not mentally or emotionally.

I imagine that this episode will follow me through life though. Perhaps even haunt me at every turn. Every time I see a bath, I’ll freeze and my heartbeat will increase. Whenever I look at my daughter, I’ll be torn between feelings of complete love and utter disgust.

And they say that being a parent is the best job in the world!

Have you ever suffered the horrors of a floater in the bath? If so, how did you deal with it? What disgusting things have your kids done which means you struggle to look them in the eye on a daily basis?

Post shared on the following awesome linkies:

Post Comment LoveFriday Frolics

[jetpack_subscription_form subscribe_text=”Like what you’ve read? Then join The DADventurer mailing list to ensure that you never miss a post. Just pop in your email address and you’ll get all the latest musings directly to your inbox.”]

  • Mornapiper

    Oh this made me laugh. It brought back happy memories too! I still remember the first time this happened. My husband was just standing staring going ‘poo, poo’. Luckily in my job as a pathologist I deal with effluent on a daily basis so I felt pretty at home. I used one of Helen’s stacking cups to empty the turd into the toilet. Cleaned the bath and then rebathed her all while my husband stood shaking in the corner still whimpering ‘poo,poo.’ Who says woman are the weaker sex?

    • Thanks, pleased it gave you a laugh (at my expense!). Haha, sounds like you were proper on the ball with when it happens to you guys. I can just picture your husband rocking in the corner repeating the word “poo” 🙂

  • Erin Vincent

    This was awesome! Thanks for the warning about having no food or drink in my mouth while reading 🙂

    • Thanks Erin 🙂 Haha, I thought it was wise, just in case anyone was eating chocolate mouse or something!

  • Yeah been there scooped that! I actually use bathtime as an excuse not to have to use wet wipes. If he’s done a number two i just give his bum a gentle hosing while he stands up playing with the overflow thingy in the bath. Then when all the poo is gone it’s bath time proper. 🙂

    • Haha, very clever! I’ll have to keep that one in mind. Saves on the wet wipes too! 🙂

  • Ah! The Classic Shit in The Tub! It’s a minger of a milestone that we all must face.Sounds like you handled it in a very manly way!
    I usually go in there with the gloves and grab the slippery sucker and lob it onto the bog. You must be careful not to squash it though.
    Then l blitz everything with Mr Muscle before I puke in a bowl and pour myself a pint of wine to help me forget.
    Ugh!!!!x

    • Haha, hadn’t quite thought of it as a milestone. Should I have had one of those cards people give to their baby and take a photo when they do something like “today I am 3 months” etc. Sounds like you have the shit in the tub ritual down perfectly 🙂

  • I’ve yet to have the poop in the tub happen but I did have the magical experience of taking the diaper off too soon aka mid poop. It just kept on coming out…

    • Haha, oh yes we had that too. Seeing it come out is not an experience I wanted to see either 🙂

  • Mama MKDPR

    Egads! We haven’t had a floater…yet but we did have a lava pre-weaning poop. It spread through the water like wild fire but at least was washed away hands-free.

    #fridayfrolics

    • Bleugh – I’m so pleased that it was a bit more solid and not just a milk crap! 🙂

  • Penny Pincher

    I read this just because of the title and laughed my head off when I saw it xx

  • We’ve all been there my friend! Very funny post. I look forward to reading what you write when you have been the target of projectile vomiting. (twice this has happened to me – once when we were out in public and I made the rookie mistake of forgetting the change bag, i ended up driving home in my bra). Thanks for linking up. #FridayFrolics

    • Thanks and pleased to know I’ve not suffered these horrors alone. Haha, driving home in your bra – classic! 🙂

  • crazymadmumof4

    This made me almost snort with laughter which is not very attractive at all!
    We’ve all been there and nobody enjoys the experience! It’s definitely something that should be explained in the parenting job description better.
    Just wait until you have more than 1 in the bath – oh the horrors!
    #PoCoLo

    • Haha thanks for reading – oh no, I’ve not even considered more than 1. Or what if you’re in the bath with them. Bleurgh!

  • I was laughing just reading the title. We’ve all had this happen at least once

  • Little Treasures

    Haha!!! Oh it is so gross isn’t it!! I remember the first time this happened and the panic! Thankfully it’s only happened twice but now I have a 5 month old I know it’s coming soon!!!!

    • Haha – in that case, good luck for when it does happen again 🙂

  • Run Jump Scrap!

    haha poor you!! it’s happened twice to us. Once when she was a breastfeeder and it was literally an explosion. We just got her out quick. Second time I was called up when hubby and baby both panicking as there was a brown floater in the bath. I just picked it up and flushed it down the loo. Wasn’t too bad! haha xx #sundaystars

    • That sounds awful – I’m so pleased she’s been eating solids as the breastfeeding poo in a bath must be terrifying! Haha, that’s some good handling skills 🙂

  • Amy Ransom

    Eek. Just EEK. You’re never prepared. No matter how many times it happens. Wait until there are siblings in the bath to add to the hysteria…

    • Man, if that’s not good enough a reason to stop at 1 kid, I don’t know what is! 🙂

  • Managed to get two 23.5 months before this happened to us. I feel privileged. #MBPW

  • Laura Powell-Corbett

    hahahahaha!!!!! We have had numerous occasions, cue dettol, cleaning bath toys, bleach. And turd floats. Bleugh. #MBPW

  • Emma Chanagasubbay

    Ha ha this was a regular thing for all my boys. It must be the warmth of the water that gets their bowels moving!!

  • I can barely type a comment through tears of laughter! Apologies as it’s at your expense but this is hands down the funniest post I’ve read in ages! I can just imagine you both freaking out and baby sitting there like ‘what? WHAT?!’. Oh thank you for making my day and hate to say it but it won’t be the last time she does it I bet! Mim #sundaystars

  • Hilarious!! Crying with laughter…
    Only parents could find this funny and disgusting.
    I sadly have a similar experience when Boo was 3 or 4 months old… only it was watery breastfeeding poo and……. I was in the bath with her…. I have never stood up so quickly and even after about a shower I still didn’t feel clean – scarred. for. life.

  • Yep – us too. Yesterday!

  • Random Musings

    Oh My God, that had me laughing from start to end thanks so much for sharing
    Debbie
    http://www.myrandommusings.blogspot.com

  • Oh yes, this isnt an infrequent occurrence! When my bub was about three weeks old, I undressed her and carried her from the change table to the bath, she had a big poo down my leg en route. She did it numerous times after that! Now we still get frequent wee in the bath 🙂

  • Mummy Giggles Blog

    Oh I remember the first time this happened. I thought the sensible thing was to pull him out of the bath but then was stood there like a lemon with no where to put him that I didn’t want poop on! #brilliantblogposts

  • Heeee! Brilliant post, I spat my tea at this one! I so hope our little girl does this in the bath with her dad, payback for all the gross things he does to me to wind me up! He’d be horrified!

    #brilliantblogposts

  • Ha ha ha ha love the hook a duck bit! Eek one of mine used to love doing this in the bath…especially if I was in it with the little devil!! And never just one poo, oh no little rabbit poos and what seemed like hundreds of them! I have completely lost my broodyness now thanks 🙂 #BrilliantBlogPosts

  • ERFmama

    Haha awesome post. 😀 This has happened a few times in this house as well! 😀

    #brilliantblogposts #PoCoLo

  • I cried with laughter reading this as it reminded me of when my son (now 5) pooped in the bath. It was like a bomb had went off and the other half and I had no idea what to do! It turned into some kind of army mission to evade the poo and clean the baby. I can laugh about it now thankfully.

    #brilliantblogposts

  • Susanne Remic

    Haha love this post! All 4 of mine have done this now, and one of them has actually been a repeat offender for a while too. I leave my husband to deal with it all, so not sure how he gets rid of it! 😀

  • Baha, yuck. Never happened yet. Are my kids abnormal?! Thanks for linking up to #brilliantblogposts

  • Super Busy Mum

    This is such a funny read and I think we’ve ALL been there with these sorts of incidents! My {now eldest son at almost 16} when he was 9mths got out of the bath, I went up to unplug it, only to come down to him rubbing himself {like it was soap!} with his own faeces! *barf* haha

  • Beau Blue

    OMG HAHAHAHAHAAAA!! I was crying with laughter reading that!! SO SO funny!! Thankfully we’ve not had any episodes like that!

  • Anna busby

    So so so funny best post I’ve read all week ! I’ve been blessed with not experiencing this but apparently I used to do it all the time as a baby lmao.. great post one I will remember

  • Oh my goodness I was in stitches reading this – one day you can print this and give it to your then grown up daughter. In front of her friends. 🙂

  • Pingback: Review: Cuddledry Cuddleroar Toddler Dress-Up Bath Towel()

  • Pingback: 5 Gross Things I Didn't Think I'd Do Before Becoming A Dad()

  • Pingback: 4 Reasons Why Toddlers Are Like Drunks - The DADventurer()