What If Babies Were Superheroes?

It really does amaze me at what babies and toddlers can achieve. As a newborn, they’re pretty useless. I’m not having a go, but they don’t really pull their weight. They just sort of fester in their own waste, cry a lot and generally laze about.

When they get a little older though – around six months in our case – they start to do things like sit up, crawl and feed themselves. Fast forward a few more months and you’ll start to see massive improvements in things like hand eye coordination, the ability to stand up and the development of a little personality.

Seeing this useless, little newborn transform into a proper little human can only be described by one word – “super”. Not too dissimilar to how a radioactive spider bite provided Peter Parker with the abilities of an arachnid to become Spiderman or how “Super-Soldier serum” transformed a frail and weak Steve Rogers into the pinnacle of human perfection that is Captain America. I’m not calling my kid a mutant, but there is something pretty freaky about the total transfiguration.

So, in my usual random way, this got me thinking. If a baby / toddler had super powers, what would they be? And, more specifically, if a baby / toddler possessed these abilities, which superheroes would they most closely resemble? With the help of my super amazing Photoshop skills (which was actually PowerPoint as I don’t have Photoshop), here’s five superheroes which best represent Baby L at 14.5 months old:

Superman’s Strength

Krypton’s favourite son is renowned for an array of abilities, including flight, heat vision and super-hearing. But, it is his superhuman strength which I reckon best reflects Baby L’s brawn.

For someone so small – who has continually hung on to the 9th percentile line since she was born – the girl has some crazy strength. I’m astounded that she can pick up pretty big toys and carry them around the room one handed whilst using the other to support herself on furniture. It is also a hell of a feat that she can move a sturdy armchair out of the way by placing her hands against the wall and arching her back to push it with her arse.

But the thing that impresses me the most is when she uses her Stokke Tripp Trapp highchair as a walker! That thing is made of wood and is bloody heavy – even the missus struggles to move it – but Baby L more than happily stands up against it, pushes with both arms and goes for a wander around the living room. This is achieved without a bead of sweat even appearing on her cute, little brow.

Superman baby strength1

 scootertgm via Compfight (edited with Baby L’s face)

The Flash’s Speed

As you’d expect from the fastest man alive, the Scarlett Speedster is pretty bloody fast. Like, so fast that he has superhuman reflexes and can violate certain laws of physics. Not a bad party trick to have, eh?

Much like the Flash, the sprog can move at a lightning-fast speed. One second she’s in front of you nicely playing with her toys, the next she’s managed to empty the entire contents of the bin all over the floor. One time, she was so speedy that she managed to get out of the open back door and nearly down the stairs to the garden before I realised that she’d gone (we don’t tell the missus about that ‘incident’). What’s even more impressive is that she achieves this through a chimp like crawl, where she uses one leg to steady herself and the other to power forward.

The funny thing though is that I expect this speediness to just get worse. At the time of writing, the sprog has just started to take her first tentative steps, so is on the cusp of walking. Walking leads to jogging, jogging leads to running, running leads to utter chaos. Shit!

Flash Speed Baby

Joe Green via Compfight (edited with Baby L’s face)

Catwoman’s Thievery

I’ve already written previously about how I think that a possible future career for Baby L is that of a thief because of her sneaky ability to steal things from handbags, so the comparison with Catwoman is an obvious one. As an expert jewel thief, Selina Kyle uses her gymnastic skills, femininity and emphatic relationship with all types of felids to get what she wants. Now who does that remind me of?! Well, maybe not the cat thing, but the other two are spot on.

The sprog’s athleticism, balance and daredevil nature continue to impress me. She loves nothing better than to explore, climb and clamber up anything that looks remotely dangerous – the TV unit, the dining room chairs and the windowsill are some of her favourite places to ascend, particularly if there is something to steal like a TV remote, mobile phone or set of keys at the top.

Pair this with the fact that she has everyone under her thumb and you’re in for trouble. Despite being so young, she has fathomed out how to trick, deceive and persuade those around her – particular men – to cater for her every whim. I’m already dreading the teenage years with this ‘skill set’ at her disposal.

Catwoman Baby

 Christopher Stadler via Compfight (edited with Baby L’s face)

Wolverine’s Claws

For all of his abilities – such as a regenerative healing factor, an adamantium-plated skeleton and superhumanly acute senses – Wolverine is best known for his retractable claws. These six sharp, adamantium claws extrude through his hands and can cut through almost any known solid material – not too dissimilar to that of a baby’s fingernails.

Man, how can those bastard nails be soooo sharp? They literally – and I’m using the word ‘literally’ properly rather than those people who say things likes “I literally just died” – slice, cut and tear at the skin of any newbie parent. At the time of writing, I am sporting a large scratch to my forehead caused by playing with an over-zealous and under-groomed toddler.

This is just the icing on the cake though – over the last 14-months, I’ve suffered near fatal injuries to my nose, cheek, lip, arm, shoulder, stomach and nipple all because of those Wolverine-like claws. The scary thing though is that a baby is probably more dangerous than the X-man. Rather than three claws on each hand, a baby has five, meaning they are 66.67% more dangerous than the brutish anti-hero.

Wolverine baby claws

 Nathan Rupert via Compfight (edited with Baby L’s face)

The Hulk’s Rage

“Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry” – a phrase often uttered by Bruce Banner prior to his Jekyll and Hyde-like transformation into the Incredible Hulk, but one that could easily be associated with any baby or toddler on the planet.

Unlike the Hulk though, Gamma radiation is not the reason for these outbursts of rage. Instead, these temper tantrums are a result of a whole range of things – frustration at not being able to communicate, annoyance at not getting their own way or, my favourite, because why the hell not!

Now that she’s become a toddler, the sprog’s anger issues are becoming even more frequent and explosive. The littlest of things can set her off and leave a wave of destruction in her path. Still, looking on the bright side, at least she doesn’t rip her clothes as part of the transformation as that would be a pretty expensive side effect.

BABY L SMASH!

Hulk baby angry

 Nathan Rupert via Compfight (edited with Baby L’s face)

Do any of these superhero traits and abilities sound familiar with your kid(s)? What super powers do you reckon your little ones would have if bitten by a radioactive spider or hit with Gamma radiation? What superheroes does your little one remind you of? Let me know in the comments below!

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  • lol this is fabulous! The combination of super powers makes for one seriously superhero baby! Brilliant photoshop work too! #FridayFrolics

    • Thanks Becky – pretty sure a superhero baby would be quite a terrifying thing in reality! I think ‘brilliant’ is being a bit generous haha 🙂

  • Tim

    I’m pretty sure Kara is all of these rolled in to one. The fact that she shares her first name with (the most well-known incarnation of) Supergirl doesn’t help either. I’m just going to go and check if she has an ‘S’-like symbol emblazoned on her vest …

    • Haha. Ah, interesting, was that a deliberate choice…? Do it, I’ll keep an eye out for a photo 🙂

  • Best pictures in a blog ever. Really made me giggle. Thanks for linking up to #FridayFrolics.

    • Haha, thanks Claire – a little generous with your praise though of the photos – I very much went for the look of an 8 year old doing it 🙂

  • Charlotte Pearson

    Lol – love this! Totally on the same page with this! #fridayfrolics (@MummyFever)

  • For a start to be able to conjure up these awesome images using Powerpoint is a super feat in itself! 🙂

    I think my little ones resemble Batman and Robin now D is a little older… Not so much that they are fighting crime with a POW, BANG, WALLOP! But more they are always found together now getting involved in dodgy situations. H slightly encouraging his easily swayed sister into mischief. 🙂

    • ‘Super feat’ – I like what you did there, my man. Ah yes, I can imagine that – both running around making trouble. What does that make you? Penguin? :p

  • Jeremy Barnes

    I’ll stick with X-men. She has Banshee’s ability to wail, the Prof’s ability to get me to do whatever she wants, and Legion’s multiple personalities. Awesome post man

  • Larry

    When do you think she will be ready to use these powers for good and fight crime?
    My older boy I think had a bit of the Flash in him – he was quick.

    • Not quite sure – I’d be scared that she’d use these powers for evil, rather than good! Maybe your older boy was one of the original speedsters?!

  • Jessica Powell

    The nails bit got me – so true! The other morning I woke up to the agonising pain of sharp baby nails being rammed up my nostrils… 🙂 #fridayfroclics

    • Ouch! You don’t realise how tender the inside of your nostrils are until you’ve had a kid, do you?!

  • Hahahaha! Butt this is ace! Loving your photos…and she still looks so beautiful even as a hulk!
    It’s the nails that get me every time. Pray tell me, how severe was your nipple injury? I’m just curious!

    • Cheers dude 🙂 Haha, not sure if she’s as cute as Mark Ruffalo though! Let’s go with pretty sore, but not quite falling off!

  • Yes, all toddlers are the Hulk! & my youngest definitely has the Wolverine claws! #fridayfrolics

  • TheMummyToolbox

    haha so true! I meet up with people sporting scratch marks everywhere and they always ask if its the cat…no no just my mini wolverine, my predatory cats know how to control their killing weapons :p Thanks for sharing #sundaystars

    • Haha, bless. I’m considering getting some mini oven gloves and just attaching to her hands.- nails are so sharp though that they may cut through!

  • This post is hilarious but so true! I loved the pictures too, made me laugh. Wolverine’s claws is definitely true for my 10 month old son, he loves to pull the face off me with them

    • Thanks Lauren 🙂 I think it’s the nails that have surprised me the most – even when cut, they’re still bloody sharp! Hope your faces isn’t too badly cut 🙂

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  • Sarah (@craftinvaders.co.uk)

    Fantastic post 🙂 We used to expect our daughter’s head to spin around when she was a baby – still often think she has demonic powers even now! Loving the photos – so fuuny 🙂

    • Thanks Sarah 🙂 Haha – well with the projectile vomiting, incessant babbling and mood swings, I think the exorcist girl is a pretty spot on comparison!

  • daislikethese.com

    Brilliant! And so true – my 11 week old has a freakishly strong neck! Love the pictures 🙂

    • Thanks – haha, I wonder if a strong neck can help to save the universe?

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  • Ellen O’Keeffe

    The strength, the claws, the rage – who says babies are cute? They are little monsters when you think about it.. and for some reason I decided to get another one?! Aidan has now perfected the high pitch scream too which is a great addition to his villain CV

    • I think the only people that say babies are cute are those without babies or those that had them so long ago that they can’t remember any more! Haha, renders his foe useless with his high pitched shriek. Unlucky!

  • Mrs H

    Ha ha! This is an amazing post. I would say that Little Miss H possesses all of these super hero traits. She also possesses the ability to sniff out biscuits or chocolate in a ten mile radius and to scream like a banshee thus rendering her parent deaf. Kids, eh?! Give me Bruce Banner any day! Thanks for linking up to #SundaysStars and I am sorry it has taken me so long to comment. Hugs Mrs H xxxx

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