Why I Propose That All Baby Names Should Be Banned

Not too long ago, I wrote a post about how difficult we found it to come up with a name for Baby L. We got there in the end, but I now have a radical proposal which I think is a better option. Let’s get rid of baby names!

I don’t mean let’s live in a society where no-one has a name, I more mean that until a baby reaches an age where they need a name, why not do away with the hassle and stress of trying to come up with a name for the sprog? Expectant parents have so much to contemplate and worry about, that I propose we take one of the many considerations off their plates.

All that time spent looking at baby name lists, deciding whether the name reminds you of someone, figuring out if there are any words that rhyme with the name and even seeing whether the initials spell out any profanities, could be better spent doing something else. We probably spent close to 24 hours thinking about and talking about baby names – that’s an entire day we could have spent going out, watching TV or getting groovy in the sack.

The reason I say this is because neither the missus or I call Baby L by her name. I’ve used the little one’s actual name a handful of times in her eight weeks of life, with this mainly being in social situations when we’ve introduced her to someone. Instead, we have an array of different nicknames that we use when we talk to her or talk about her which has become our preference.

I know it’s not quite the same as the dog is a dog, but we also do this with Dax. His actual name is rarely used as we prefer to use one of his many nicknames which probably goes somewhere to explaining the confused expression on his face.

So let’s do away with baby names and instead use nicknames. This has a couple of advantages. Firstly, you don’t get bored with the same name. Secondly, it makes you more unique and memorable. And finally, it makes it much easier to forge a career as a professional wrestler.

So, for full disclosure, this is all of the names I can remember that we’ve called both Baby L and Dax:

Baby L’s NicknamesDax’s Nicknames
Milky BabyStinky Pete
MilksLittle Bear
DumplingSausage
PuddingSausagey
PeanutDaxund
Stinky BumDogio
SpudPuppy
Grumble KnickersDog
ChubsterCanine
Pork ChopPoo Bear
Farty BabyDaxie
BabaGrumble Bum

So what do your reckon? Do you fancy joining my campaign to rid pregnant mums and dads of the pain of baby naming? What nicknames did you / do you use for your little one?

Photo credit: Mikey via Compfight

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  • Claire Hall

    It’s a good point. We rarely call Tin Box Tot by her real name. Funnily enough ‘Stinky Bum’ is one of her nicknames. Strange that 🙂 Poppet, Trouble and Baby are all up there too. As for the dog, Moo, Puppy and Monkey make her look confused. Great post!

    • Thanks! I like stinky bum because it perfectly explains what a baby is and does! No need to try and suss out any hidden meaning, it is just there in a name!

  • Dad Creek

    How funny it would be if we all hit adult life and the nicknames never got replaced by actual names!

    • That’d be pretty weird! Imagine walking into a meeting and being introduced to Mr Pee Pee Pants and Mrs Snuggle Bum 🙂

  • Seychellesmama

    Love this!! Arthur is 15 months and I rarely call him by his name poor kid has so many nicknames I don’t think he has a clue what he’s really called haha

    • That’s what I thought – didn’t think we’d be the only ones! 🙂

  • I rarely call Boo by her real name, I actually call her Boo most of the time which is why I use it on my blog. Boo which is short for Booful which is obviously the baby equivalent of beautiful =)

    • Haha – I like how you call her Boo – do you call her the longer Booful if she’s been naughty? We do that with Dax – if he’s being a pain he’s Daxhund!

  • Merlinda Little

    My son’s name is special to his Dad as we borrowed it from his Dad who pass away when he is 7. But yes all through his babyhood we call him bean =P #brillblogposts

    • That’s nice that he’s got a very meaningful name – we’d thought about that but the meaningful names never really worked. Bean is a cute nickname, not tried that one!

  • Sarah MumofThree World

    Love this post! You’ve got me thinking now (I’ve got to go back a long way as my kids are 8, 10 and 13). We had Mr Turtle and Petal Whoppet, as well as the (slightly) more usual monkey, angel, sweetheart, chicken…

    • Thanks! I think you hit the nail on the head with “slightly more usual” – can’t even begin to think how Mr Turtle and Petal Whoppet started! 🙂

  • I work in a nursery and none of the kids respond to their actual because parents don’t call it them! There perplexed little faces when they realise there actual name is hilarious

    • Haha – see I am onto something with saying we should ban names! That must be pretty annoying when trying to get their attention 🙂

  • Clairejustineo

    Great post, ha yes it takes you ages to pick names and then we use their nicknames 🙂
    Thanks for linknig up #weekendbloghop

  • lianne

    It is sooooo hard choosing names I agree!!

    It is funny the names we nickname them!! lol.

    Lianne | http://www.thebrunettesays.co.uk

    • Very true – my mum still calls me and my bro by our nicknames and I’m nearly 30!

  • Mummy’s Blog

    haha, I use milky chops or cheeky chops most, my husband uses stinky bum or just stinky – it’s true we hardly ever use her real name x
    #weekendbloghop

    • Haha, yep very similar to some of the ones we use. Thanks for stopping by 🙂

  • Victoria Welton

    I have always been particular about choosing a name that doesn’t offend – either the child or anyone else. Grace gets called Groc 9. That is only because she wrote her name that way one day! Love your nicknames. Thank you for linking to PoCoLo 🙂

    • Haha that’s awesome – Groc 9 sounds like some kind of spaceship or moon landing mission 🙂

  • shannonagains

    Ha ha! Some of these are hilarious! I especially love Grumble Knickers and Stinky Pete. It took us several weeks to get around to calling Pumpkin by her real name. For the longest time, we used her pre-birth nickname – Lentil. I suppose that was mostly out of habit, but we both really liked it. (Hubs suggested keeping it as a middle name, but I thought that was taking it a bit too far) 🙂

    • It’s strange how nicknames develop – no idea where the likes of Grumble Knickers came from. Haha, yeh Lentil as a middle name would be a bit different. But then again, people seem to like unique 🙂

  • I dunno, you can’t use the same nicknames with more than one child, so I reckon that by the forth or fifth you probably will just fall back on the one official name out of exhaustion. At which point you’ll be pleased you haven’t gone with this suggestion, excellent though it seems now.

    • Very true – the more kids you have the more nicknames you’ll use. We already find a little bit of overlap between Baby L and the dog! 🙂

  • Bahah! Hilarious, my husband and I always referred to ourselves as ‘Baba’ (translation in Greek and dutch as either Daddy or Baby) and now we refer to both our kids as that too, really helps if you forget your kids’ names 😉

    • Haha I can imagine! Probably doesn’t help (and might be a bit weird) if you forget other people’s names and out of habit use Baba – like in a meeting or something 🙂

  • PhotoPuddle

    Great post! But what about that awkward situation when your close friend calls their child Farty Bum and that’s the name you have had picked out for years? Do you have two Farty Bums or go with Stinky Bum just to be a bit different?

    • Haha, that’s a great point. Maybe I need to go back to the drawing board as it feels like you’ve found THE ONLY slight flaw in my otherwise flawless plan 🙂

  • Made me chuckle.

    N was Banana when I was pregnant, named by my best friend after we’d discussed odd celeb names. Now he’s just his name, squirrel or sweatheart. Although as a toddler he was referred to as Fidget Breeches for a while.

  • Haha yes! Obviously our baby has an actual name but in our house she’s known as “baby” so why did we bother naming her?