A Transcript From A Night Out With The CBeebies Presenters

Considering that the CBeebies’ kid’s TV presenters have to spend the majority of their day hanging out with annoying kids, being on their best behaviour and putting on the happiest of acts, I reckon that they’d be pretty wild when not filming.

If you’ve ever wondered what the presenters do to let their hair down, then wonder no more as I can exclusively reveal a transcript from a recent night out. This may, or may not, have happened. You decide.

 

Scene One:

[Some of the CBeebies presenters – Andy Day, Mr Bloom, Nina Neuron, Mister Maker – are at a local Wetherspoons. They’re sat at a table. Empty pint and shot glasses litter the table. We join them mid-conversation]

 

Mister Maker: “…I just think there’s more to life than dancing around making arty shit. I was trained at RADA, you know? I was in the final 50 people to be Bond. This isn’t how I saw my life going. You know what some twat yelled at me in the street the other day? [Says in a Geordie accent] You’re just a poor man’s Neil Buchanan. That shit hurts.”

 

[The others nod in agreement]

 

Mr Bloom: “That’s tough, tiddler. I get what you mean. I don’t even like vegetables. Anyway, where’s Sid and Rebecca? The tiddlers said they’d be here at 9pm.”

 

Nina: “That’s a great question!”

 

Mister Maker: “Not sure. They’re probably dressing up as usual. [Mimics Rebecca] Let it be me! Today, we’re dressing up in our dominatrix and gimp suits.”

 

[Everyone laughs then returns to their drinks. In walks Justin Fletcher, aka Mr Tumble]

 

Andy: “Oh, pissing hell. Who invited this clown? I can’t stand him. At least he’s not dressed up today I guess.”

 

Mr Tumble: “Hi friends. Can anyone guess what’s in Mr Tumble’s spotty bag?”

 

Nina: “That’s a great question!”

 

Andy: “Jesus wept, Justin. Can’t you just stop with that CBeebies shit. Have a night off. You don’t see me banging on about dinosaurs all of the time.”

 

Mr Tumble: “But…but…I brought something special for my friends.”

 

[Mr Tumble reaches into his spotty bag and pulls out a bag of white powder. Everyone looks on in shocked silence]

 

Mr Tumble: [Quietly] “It’s cocaine. Can you sign? Co…caine.”

 

[The other presenters copy Justin as he signs, still in utter shock]

 

Mr Tumble: “Where are the toilets? Are they over there? If you see them, wave and cheer! Anyone joining me?”

 

[Before anyone can answer, in walks Sid and Rebecca]

 

Sid: “Hi guys. Sorry we’re late. We were…er…er…just playing.”

 

[Sid and Rebecca look at each other and giggle flirtatiously. Everyone else rolls their eyes, sick of the masquerade that they’re ‘just friends’]

 

Scene Two:

[We join Mr Tumble, Andy, Mister Maker and Mr Bloom in a cubical in the Men’s toilets. Andy has a rolled up fifty pound note in his hand. Everyone looks a little nervous]

 

Mister Maker: “What if someone catches us? I can’t deal with any scandals like when Sarah-Jane Honeywell released those photos. I’ll be passed around like currency in prison.”

 

Mr Bloom: “Don’t worry, tiddler. No-one would expect it of us. [Looks at Andy] Oi, don’t snort it all, Andy. Your nostrils are five times as big as any of ours.”

 

Andy: “Piss off with the nostril jokes! It just means that I have a better sense of smell. Did you know, the T-rex had enlarged nostrils and was able to sniff out prey from five miles away.”

 

Mister Maker: [Under his breath] “Smells like bullshit to me.”

 

Mr Tumble: “Remember what I said, friends. Take the rolled-up note, touch your nose, blink three times, snort and off it goes…”

 

Scene Three:

[Mr Tumble, Andy and Mister Maker have rejoined Sid, Rebecca and Nina back at the table. Sid and Rebecca are cosied up to each other giggling, Nina is carrying out a density experiment using a pint of beer and a shot of vodka, Mister Maker is hugging himself and rocking back and forth, Mr Tumble and Andy are in conversation]

 

Andy: “…but that’s what I’m saying. Why can’t there be a Dinosaur Tumble?”

 

Mr Tumble: “I just don’t think it’d work, my friend. It’s already quite a complex show as it is. Plus, I don’t know how to sign ‘dinosaur’. Truth be told, I just make it up most of the time.”

 

Mister Maker: [Singing quietly to himself] “I…am…a…shape…I…am…a…shape…”

 

Mr Tumble: “Friends, it looks like arty boy over here can’t handle what’s in Mr Tumble’s spotty bag.”

 

Andy: “Where’s Mr Bloom gone? Didn’t he follow us out of the bogs.”

 

Nina: “That’s a great question!”

 

Mr Tumble: “He said he was dropping his vegetables off at the allotment, whatever that means, my friend.”

 

Andy: “Ah, that’s what he says when he needs a dump.”

 

[Mr Tumble gets out his Tumble Tap]

 

Mr Tumble: “So where we going next, my friends? Strip club?”

 

End Scene

 

Featured image from Stuart Bramley via Compfight