My Top 5 Most Common Injuries Since Becoming A Dad

As you’d imagine, people often worry about the health and safety of their kid. They do what they can to prevent injuries – stopping them climbing on the windowsill so that they don’t fall, baby-proofing to reduce the risk of the TV being pulled off and squishing them or chopping up food to minimise choking.

I’m not about to tell you that you shouldn’t think like this. You are entitled to be as cautious – or laissez-faire – as you want about your child’s welfare. After all, you made them. I’m a lot less risk averse when it comes to Toddler L than the missus is, for example.

What I do want to pick up on though is the safety of the mums and dads. Who is thinking about and treating the injuries we sustain in the line of fire that is parenting? If I asked someone to “kiss the boo boo on my knee”, I’d probably get a slap and a restraining order – and I’m not just talking about the missus. That’s just not fair.

So, to draw attention to the plight that us parents suffer after bringing life into this world, I thought I’d share five of the most common injuries I’ve suffered since becoming a dad. It might be wise to look away now.

Yanked Junk

Although it’s usually a good thing when someone touches your bits, a cock yank by a toddler is anything but pleasant. I guess it’s my fault for sometimes being openly naked around her, but surely my manhood doesn’t deserve that treatment? I guess she’s curious as hers is ‘missing’, but that doesn’t mean she can inflict this kind of pain. Everyone knows that a smack to the balls is more painful than childbirth…

It’s happened a few times now. I remember due to the physical pain, physological trauma and the fact I tweeted about it for sympathy. The first time was when she grabbed my bits when I was taking a leak. The second time was when I was innocently watching TV and she unexpectedly got at me through my PJs. The third – and most recent time – was when she yanked down on my cock when we were in the shower. It wasn’t just the shampoo in my eyes that caused tears.

Stabbed Foot

Everyone knows that standing on a LEGO brick is one of the most painful things that you’re ever likely to experience. Luckily, Toddler L isn’t at the right age to own LEGO yet – something I am grateful for each and every day. However, that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t own various other toys which are akin to being stabbed in the foot by the offspring of a jellyfish and wasp – or a jellywasp as I’m sure they’d be called.

I’m pretty positive that the makers of children’s toys do it on purpose. Not only do they make toys that have the most annoying sounds ever, but you’ll often find them very dangerous to a bare foot. The words that came out of my mouth after recently stepping on a strategically placed wooden tree cannot be replicated on the blog. That’s saying something considering some of the stuff I write!

Spot the toddler among the chaos.

A photo posted by The DADventurer (Dave) (@the_dadventurer) on

Bite Marks

I don’t know what it is about babies and toddlers, but they love to bite. If the sprog didn’t look like me, I’d be slightly concerned than the missus was impregnated as she read the Twilight books. As well as being used as the reason for pretty much everything, teething can often be the reason a kid bites. However, even if she is experiencing some gum discomfort, that doesn’t give Toddler L the right to take a chunk of flesh from my body – particularly without permission.

Like a mini Mike Tyson – just with face paint rather than a tattoo – Toddler L has enjoyed pitting her incisors against my body. Fingers are a favourite, as are toes. But she’s also gone further than this – any bare flesh is a target. I’ve had tiny teeth impressions on my legs, knees, stomach, hands, arms and neck. As a safeguard to stop her current bitey behaviour getting worse, I’m giving her plenty of coke, sweets and chocolate, whilst keeping brushing to a minimum. Hopefully this will speed up the process of losing her baby teeth.

Shredded Flesh

Last year, I wrote a post called what if babies were superheroes, which compared Toddler L to a number of different superheroes and their abilities. One of these was Wolverine, due to the similarity between his retractable, adamantium claws and her sharp fingernails. This is a comparison that still rings true to this day.

I’ve lost count of the number of times that the sprog’s razor-like nails have caused damage to my beautiful skin. However, I do vividly remember her scratching the inside of my nostril, leaving a bloodied mark along my forehead, and – after a particularly energetic swimming lesson – having hundreds of red scratches on my chest from finger and toe nails.

It’s very rarely done on purpose – I hope – but tends to be more of a bi-product of rough play. At times, you could be forgiven for thinking that I own a cat, not a toddler. But it’s not just the initial scratch that hurts. You always forget you have it, then accidentally get something on it like vinegar or a cleaning product. Ouchy.

Battered And Bruised Body

Since becoming a dad, I’ve taken on jobs and roles that I never imagined – most of which result in some kind of bruise and injury. For instance, I didn’t realise that I’d become a glorified playground. I am continually climbed upon, slid off, jumped on and swung off. Who needs soft play when you have soft dad? 

Along a similar theme, it feels sometimes like my job is to just get beaten. Like a sparring partner in boxing, a jobber in professional wresting, or Aston Villa in football. I am often pushed, punched, slapped, headbutted and hit with objects. As a result, I’ve seen an exponential increase in the number of bruises I ‘own’ and the amount of muscles that ache – some of which I didn’t even know existed!

I’m taking this attack as a not so subtle sign that it’s time to get up for the day.

A photo posted by The DADventurer (Dave) (@the_dadventurer) on

Those are five of the most common injuries that I’ve suffered since becoming a dad. I hope you’ll agree that this isn’t fair and needs to be stamped out right now. To help spread the word, let me know below what injuries you’ve suffered since becoming a parent.

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  • Rachel Swirl

    I hate to say this but I think us girls suffer more x

  • Elaine Livingstone

    this had me in fits at more than one point. Brilliantly funny writing.
    You need to buy tear free shampoo…….
    But the bit on the sugar high food and drinks with minimal brushing really had me laughing.

  • BAHAHHA crying with laughter here, having kids is dangerous! x

  • john adams

    Do you take L swimming? If so, wear a cricket box. And a chin guard. Without blowing my own trumpet, this is the best advice you will ever receive.