4 Reasons Why Toddlers Are Like Drunks

I was watching Toddler L play the other day when a revelation hit me.

As she staggered across the living room, munching on some snacks, smelling of piss and babbling away, I realised that there’s really not much difference between toddlers and drunks.

As far as I can see, a lot of their behaviours and actions are shared. Apart from legally being able to drink booze and the variation in physique, I’m really struggling to see much of a difference.

Don’t believe me? Then read on. Here are four of the most conclusive similarities between toddlers and the inebriated:

A Disregard Of Social Norms

After a few too many drinks, we can sometimes forget what’s normal and acceptable behaviour. When inebriated, the line blurs and things you wouldn’t do when sober tend to become more common place. When you’re drunk with a group of mates, you don’t really notice because you’re doing it too, but it’s obvious – and often pretty uncomfortable – if talking to someone who’s drunk when you’re sober.

The list is endless, but I’m talking about things like someone invading your personal space by being just a little too close. Or when someone is talking to you, but doing it a bit too loudly and accidentally spraying you with a bit of spit. Or, if someone becomes a bit over familiar, perhaps helping themselves to one of your chips or having a swig of your drink.

baby stealing pint of beer

A toddler displays the same kind of behaviour with a disregard to social norms – although, to be fair to the little humans, they haven’t yet learnt what is considered acceptable and unacceptable. Consider things that a toddler would do – screaming in your face, offering you food that’s been in their mouth, lifting up your top, using you as a climbing frame, blowing raspberries or watching you whilst you go to the toilet – then try to tell me that you couldn’t see someone off their tits doing this too.

A Loss Of Bodily Functions

I’m proud to say that I’ve never pissed or shat myself on a night out. You may be thinking “that’s nothing, neither have I”, but I promise that there will be numerous people also reading this and thinking “bollocks, that sounds just like me”. Luckily, I’ve not been caught short like this before, but I do remember mentally debating whether to piss my pants when drunk and queued for the only toilet in Time Square’s Madame Tussauds at a New Year’s Eve party.

If you’re one of the ‘lucky’ ones who hasn’t soiled their underwear before, I’m pretty sure that you’ll have at least expelled the contents of your stomach via your mouth down some back alley at 3am. Although it makes sense at the time, drinking to excess can lead to an unexpected re-encounter with the food and fluids you’ve consumed earlier in the evening, often in a half-digested, smoothie-like state.

This loss of bodily functions isn’t just something experienced by drunks though. Take a baby – when they’re not crying, all they basically do is piss, poo and puke, often on themselves or on you. The same goes for a toddler – although they’re able to walk, pick stuff up etc, these three ‘activities’ still comprise a fair chunk of their skill set. Bloody disgusting.

Difficulty Walking / Excessive Falling Over

We all know that drinking alcohol affects your balance and movement. The more you consume, the more likely you are to trip over an invisible object or stumble forwards when the Earth spins on its axis. When drunk, even the simplest of coordination tasks is pretty bloody difficult – who’d have thought walking in a straight line could be so problematic?

Even though that was supposed to be a rhetorical question, I doubt a toddler would see it as that. Instead, I’m pretty sure they’d agree with how difficult it is, probably saying something like “hugely problematic”, or more likely, “oogwy pwobwemwatic” if questioned about walking. Much like Bambi on ice, there’s plenty of trips and false starts for a newly walking toddler.

Watching drunks try to walk is therefore very similar to that of watching toddlers. Legs appear to be made of jelly and fail to function as a pair. There’s plenty of swaying, staggering and holding on to surrounding objects to support them. Then there’s the inevitable stumble and fall, often with bloody hilarious consequences.

On a scale of adorable to very adorable, just how adorable is Toddler L walking?

A video posted by The DADventurer (Dave) (@the_dadventurer) on

Inappropriately Affectionate

At different times on a night out, we’ve all probably been the beneficiary and benefactor of unwanted attention. The combination of too many drinks and lowered inhibitions can often result in people getting amorous. That’s fine when it’s reciprocated, but unacceptable if it’s the rapey-looking fella rubbing his groin against your leg on the dance floor or the blue WKD-fuelled lass trying to stick her tongue down your throat in the men’s toilets (I won’t lie, I’ve experienced both).

Now consider a toddler. Has yours ever licked your face? Bitten your lip? Hugged you for too long? Pinched your nipple? Sat on your lap? Groped your arse? Touched your crotch? I can pretty confidently say that you will answer yes to at least one of these.

So, what’s the difference between overly affectionate drunks and inappropriately attentive toddlers? The fact that they do the same kind of things leads me to think that they’re one of the same, even though probably only one of them should know better.

There’s my four main reasons as to why toddlers are like drunks. Convinced? What other things would you add to the list? Over confidence? Slurred speech? Getting the munchies? Crap dancing? Let me know below!

  • Keri Jones

    Haha, love this! I would have to add constantly saying “I love you”. Both my husband and son have done this- although from one it’s annoying, it’s quite cute from the other 🙂 x

    • Hahahaha, I won’t guess which one – Ah, that might potentially fit into being over affectionate?

  • Rhyming with Wine

    Totally convinced and I’m with you. Over affectionate is my son’s new “thing”. He likes kisses. He lunges towards you with little control of his large head and plants his (wide open) mouth on you. Then keeps it there. For ages. I have had encounters like this in nightclubs and they were not pleasant.
    Thanks for the giggle.

    • Pleased you agree! Haha, yeah we’re the same – lots of wet kisses with added snot at the moment. Sorry to hear about your nightclub encounters 🙂

  • Love this Dave. My little one’s dancing skills are very similar to that of a drunk uncle at a wedding. He also completely looses control of his head when laughing. Although it may just be me that happens to after a few too many? :/ Thanks for linking up to #FridayFrolics and Happy New Year to you 🙂

    • Thanks Claire 🙂 Haha, going to have to get you drunk now to see what happens to your head!

  • “I’m proud to say that I’ve never pissed or shat myself on a night out.”
    At least not that you can remember eh? Me too. 😉

    Cute at this age, not so cute in a few years time when they are teenagers who can’t take their drink. My son (then aged 19) vomited into my ex hubs bath water. Enjoy these days my friend for it will get messy lol

    • Haha, I think I’d remember if I did that….maybe. Really – that is a great story, although I’m sure your ex wasn’t impressed!

  • Haha, so true! My daughter does this weird half crawl / half crab shuffle and we always say she looks like a drunk after a hard night out! 🙂 #fridayfrolics

    • Haha – sounds like how Toddler L used to move around before she walked.

  • mama zen

    Why, oh why? Can they not have the decency to have the odd hangover day and lie – in till midday!! #FridayFrolics

  • Min

    Oh I had definitely noticed the similarities. It’s the milk, I think.

  • Karen

    Totally with you here, I love this post and completely agree with the sentiment. I’m with mama zen though, why can they give you the decency of the hangover and lie in too though! Thanks for linking up with us for this first #sundaystars of 2016. Hope to see you next week.

    • Thanks Karen 🙂 Yeah, that’d beat a 7am (or earlier) start wouldnt it!

  • john adams

    Well Dave, what an interesting comparison! I’d be more inclined ot say drunks are like toddlers than the other way round but that’s possibly semantics! Not that I’d know, I’ve never touched a drop in my life *whistles and walks away innocently*

    • Haha, spot the journalist with your semantics. You can’t lie to me – I’ve seen you after a few drinks remember!

  • Tom Briggs

    Totally with you on this – I’ve often thought that there are a fair few similarities! Next time I see a drunk on the street, I’m sending them to the naughty step. 😉

    • Haha good idea – you’d probably end up being punched though!

  • Man vs Pink

    I often call my kid a drunken monkey.

  • Nailed this one perfectly. How about the drunken anger when you tell them they’ve had enough chocolate?

    • Thanks – haha, we’re not quite at that stage yet, but I’m certainly looking forward to it now….

  • Totally spot on here, especially the inappropriately affectionate side of it! Thanks for linking up with #sundaystars

  • Love the comparisons Dave… They are also happy to let you (the non drunk) buy all the necessaries… They wake up like a bear with a sore head if you wake them too early from a “recovery” nap too.

    Anyways, I’m off out to buy D some jäger bomb glasses for her next birthday…?

    • Very true, hadn’t thought of those! That’ll be an interesting addition to the party bag.

  • Pingback: Things You Miss Out On As A Parent At Christmas - The DADventurer()

  • Martin Lee

    Funny because it’s true! Great post!