I was watching Toddler L play the other day when a revelation hit me.
As she staggered across the living room, munching on some snacks, smelling of piss and babbling away, I realised that there’s really not much difference between toddlers and drunks.
As far as I can see, a lot of their behaviours and actions are shared. Apart from legally being able to drink booze and the variation in physique, I’m really struggling to see much of a difference.
Don’t believe me? Then read on. Here are four of the most conclusive similarities between toddlers and the inebriated:
A Disregard Of Social Norms
After a few too many drinks, we can sometimes forget what’s normal and acceptable behaviour. When inebriated, the line blurs and things you wouldn’t do when sober tend to become more common place. When you’re drunk with a group of mates, you don’t really notice because you’re doing it too, but it’s obvious – and often pretty uncomfortable – if talking to someone who’s drunk when you’re sober.
The list is endless, but I’m talking about things like someone invading your personal space by being just a little too close. Or when someone is talking to you, but doing it a bit too loudly and accidentally spraying you with a bit of spit. Or, if someone becomes a bit over familiar, perhaps helping themselves to one of your chips or having a swig of your drink.
A toddler displays the same kind of behaviour with a disregard to social norms – although, to be fair to the little humans, they haven’t yet learnt what is considered acceptable and unacceptable. Consider things that a toddler would do – screaming in your face, offering you food that’s been in their mouth, lifting up your top, using you as a climbing frame, blowing raspberries or watching you whilst you go to the toilet – then try to tell me that you couldn’t see someone off their tits doing this too.
A Loss Of Bodily Functions
I’m proud to say that I’ve never pissed or shat myself on a night out. You may be thinking “that’s nothing, neither have I”, but I promise that there will be numerous people also reading this and thinking “bollocks, that sounds just like me”. Luckily, I’ve not been caught short like this before, but I do remember mentally debating whether to piss my pants when drunk and queued for the only toilet in Time Square’s Madame Tussauds at a New Year’s Eve party.
If you’re one of the ‘lucky’ ones who hasn’t soiled their underwear before, I’m pretty sure that you’ll have at least expelled the contents of your stomach via your mouth down some back alley at 3am. Although it makes sense at the time, drinking to excess can lead to an unexpected re-encounter with the food and fluids you’ve consumed earlier in the evening, often in a half-digested, smoothie-like state.
This loss of bodily functions isn’t just something experienced by drunks though. Take a baby – when they’re not crying, all they basically do is piss, poo and puke, often on themselves or on you. The same goes for a toddler – although they’re able to walk, pick stuff up etc, these three ‘activities’ still comprise a fair chunk of their skill set. Bloody disgusting.
Difficulty Walking / Excessive Falling Over
We all know that drinking alcohol affects your balance and movement. The more you consume, the more likely you are to trip over an invisible object or stumble forwards when the Earth spins on its axis. When drunk, even the simplest of coordination tasks is pretty bloody difficult – who’d have thought walking in a straight line could be so problematic?
Even though that was supposed to be a rhetorical question, I doubt a toddler would see it as that. Instead, I’m pretty sure they’d agree with how difficult it is, probably saying something like “hugely problematic”, or more likely, “oogwy pwobwemwatic” if questioned about walking. Much like Bambi on ice, there’s plenty of trips and false starts for a newly walking toddler.
Watching drunks try to walk is therefore very similar to that of watching toddlers. Legs appear to be made of jelly and fail to function as a pair. There’s plenty of swaying, staggering and holding on to surrounding objects to support them. Then there’s the inevitable stumble and fall, often with bloody hilarious consequences.
At different times on a night out, we’ve all probably been the beneficiary and benefactor of unwanted attention. The combination of too many drinks and lowered inhibitions can often result in people getting amorous. That’s fine when it’s reciprocated, but unacceptable if it’s the rapey-looking fella rubbing his groin against your leg on the dance floor or the blue WKD-fuelled lass trying to stick her tongue down your throat in the men’s toilets (I won’t lie, I’ve experienced both).
Now consider a toddler. Has yours ever licked your face? Bitten your lip? Hugged you for too long? Pinched your nipple? Sat on your lap? Groped your arse? Touched your crotch? I can pretty confidently say that you will answer yes to at least one of these.
So, what’s the difference between overly affectionate drunks and inappropriately attentive toddlers? The fact that they do the same kind of things leads me to think that they’re one of the same, even though probably only one of them should know better.
There’s my four main reasons as to why toddlers are like drunks. Convinced? What other things would you add to the list? Over confidence? Slurred speech? Getting the munchies? Crap dancing? Let me know below!