I like to think that I’m a pretty easy going type of fella who doesn’t let much get to me.
I’ve realised though that this part of me died, or at least left home, when Baby L disembarked the mothership nearly five months ago.
Whatever the reasons, I’m now more annoyed, wound up and pissed off than I used to be, which is a bit of a problem when there are so many muppets in the world purposefully trying to aggravate me on a daily basis.
I either didn’t use to care, or more likely, didn’t realise that these people were annoying until I became a dad and was required to go different places and do different things to that of a childless, married man.
I therefore want to share with you the different groups of people that really get on my tits, partly as anger therapy and partly to get you to stop being annoying if you are one of these people!
- People Who Use Parent And Child Spaces: The good folk at supermarkets, shopping centres etc had the great idea of creating parking spaces for the sole use of parents with children. Often wider than your normal space and closer to the entrance, the clue really is in the name, but still, some plebs decide that they have the right to park there even if they don’t have a child. I was raised to be polite, be courteous and respect rules, so I just don’t get what goes through people’s heads when a sole shopper purposefully chooses to park somewhere which is designed for someone else. There’s nothing more annoying than waiting for a parent and child space to become available or choosing to park somewhere else because there isn’t enough space, only to see some trumped up bloke in a suit return to his Audi parked where it shouldn’t be. What a dickhead.
- People Who Park On The Curb: People who live near us have decided that it is acceptable to park half on the curb and half off the curb with their car. Pretty harmless, isn’t it? No, not really when I’m expected to walk in the middle of the road with my wife and little baby because we can’t physically get passed your shitmobile which you’ve selfishly parked on the pavement. A pavement is for pedestrians, a road is for a car, you massive imbecile. If I was in charge, I’d put a blanket ban on pavement parking in order to protect those people with a pushchair or in a wheelchair etc who have little desire to participate in what can only be likened to the obstacle course from Wipeout.
- People Who Use Lifts, But Don’t Need To: When you have a pushchair, shops become a more difficult place to visit. If it’s not the weaving in between racks of clothes which are too closely situated together, then it is a (sometimes) endless search for a lift to get to other floors. We all know that lift designers intentionally built them to go as slow as possible, so when they do arrive, what is more annoying than waiting in line or being unable to enter because of other people using the lift when they don’t need to. Again, stop being selfish and putting other people out when you have an option of using the stairs or escalator when they don’t. Obviously, those with disabilities which you can or can’t see should get priority, but I shouldn’t need to wait because of the three fat women too lazy to walk up the stairs or the hyperactive kids who think that a lift is a new game. (P.S. for anyone who says being fat is a disability, it’s not, you’re just fat).
- People Who Don’t Clean Up After Themselves: I’ll set the scene. You are in the supermarket. You’ve just heard a massive, squelchy fart come from the babies direction and realise they’ve crapped their pants. You head over to the baby change facility and are relieved to see that it is vacant. You open the door, but are immediately struck by the pig sty scene you find in front of you. Used nappies on the side, wet wipes hanging out of the bin and questionable stains on the changing mat. You’ve then got to spend time trying to make the place as clean and usable as possible whilst your little one festers in her own waste. I appreciate that these facilities exist and understand that they can’t be kept spotless, but it doesn’t take much to put used nappies into a bin or wipe up your child’s faeces which are strewn across the mirror before you depart. Life would be so much better if everyone was that bit more considerate, but instead we live in a world wear people use and abuse these public facilities without giving a seconds thought to the person that next walks through the door.
- People Without Kids: That’s right. All you people out there who haven’t created life before, I hate you. I hate that your life is simple. I hate that your life doesn’t revolve around a milk-drinking leach. I hate that you don’t have to take nappies and wet wipes with you wherever you go. I hate that you can have a solid night’s sleep. But more importantly, I hate that you don’t understand what life with a baby is like and that you try to understand but fail miserably. Saying things like “It’s only a stage, I’m sure it’ll pass”, “Oh, she hardly ever cries, does she” or “You’re looking a bit tired today”, isn’t helpful and will more than likely result in you experiencing physical pain. Just wait until you have a baby and can experience our pain. Then I’m going to recite the things that you said to me whilst I enjoy the fact that you have bags under your eyes and baby sick on your shirt. Just you wait.
So, that’s the five groups of people that I’ve realised that I hate now that I’ve become a dad. Does any of this ring true with you? Is there anyone you started hating once you became a parent? Let me know in the comments below so that we can bitch and whine about it together.