I have a lot of theories.
Granted, most of them probably aren’t worth the paper they are written on, but I’d at least like to think that a few have some merit.
One of the theories that appears to be gaining more traction every day is that babies are actually really clever and know what they are doing. They may act like these fragile, stupid, mini-versions of us, but they are really plotting away in their tiny little brains like some kind of stinky, pukey Bond villain.
They have perfected this act so much that us parents are at their mercy 24/7. We are under their tiny little thumbs. They get what they want, when they want it regardless of time, place or situation. They wear us down with their incessant screaming, continual nappy changes and thirst for milk. In short, babies are pretty bloody annoying and they do it on purpose.
Here are seven perfect examples which show that Baby L is a very clever, annoying, manipulative, little Madame:
- She has her dummy, but spits it out, then cries: Despite being more than happy sucking her dummy, Baby L makes a point of spitting it out, or most recently pulling it out with her hands, so that she can then cry because it isn’t in her mouth. If this isn’t attention seeking behaviour, I don’t know what is. To put it into a different context, it’s like me purposefully throwing my plate of food on the floor, then getting angry because I no longer have it. To make things worse, she decides to do this when she’s trying to go to sleep. Just keep the dummy in your mouth and go to sleep you annoying little git.
- Her bath is ready, we put her in it, then she has a piss: We have spent time ensuring that the bath is the right temperature, the correct depth has been reached and just enough bubbles adorn the surface. Baby L has been laying on her changing mat for a good ten minutes with her nappy off talking to the ceiling above her. We pick her up, place her into her baby bath seat, then stand back in order to enjoy her giggles and splashing. But Baby L has other ideas – a bit like Ground Force always wanting to install a water feature in someone’s garden, the little tyke decides she wants to create her own fountain by peeing in the bath and thus contaminating her watery surroundings. That then means extra work is required to drain the bath and fill it back up again. She has a telling look in her eyes which suggest that this was all done on purpose.
- She’s awake, so she’ll ensure that we’re awake too: This has become more common since reaching four months old, as the little one is ‘enjoying’ teething, a growth spurt and sleep regression. This means that she’s waking more in the night, either because she is in pain, hungry or just being annoying. But having said that, the little one has always had a habit of ensuring that we’re awake if she’s awake (N.B. when I say “we’re” I mean the missus as I rarely wake up now a days!). In the early days this was through crying which is to be expected. However, recently this has taken on the form of her pretending that she is at a Metallica gig as she thrashes around like she’s in a mosh pit and shouts at the top of her lungs now that she’s discovered her voice. We’ll (aka the missus) will often wake in the night to the sound of thuds as Baby L rolls, punches and kicks in an effort to disrupt our (aka the missus’) sleep. Every time she succeeds and we awaken from our slumber, she looks up all innocent and bright-eyed prior to flashing a big toothless smile. If that’s not manipulative, I don’t know what is!
- She’s carefully chooses when to sick / crap to create maximum havoc: This usually occurs at one of the following times – we’re just about to leave the house, she / us have just changed into clean clothes, we’re somewhere where there are no toilets, we are running late, her nappy has just been changed etc etc. If babies were considerate, they’d puke onto the muslin cloth, not on your trousers when the cloth was taken away seconds before, or they’d shit their pants as you enter Tesco with an empty trolley, not when you’re just about to pay and find yourself as far away from the toilets as possible. Tally all of the times when a baby is sick or empties their bowels at a convenient time, then do the same for when it happens at the worst possible time. I can guarantee that the latter happens more frequently, thus proving that babies are vengeful dicks.
- She literally leaves you bloodied and bruised: Babies are violent. For something so small, they can cause maximum damage. If it isn’t for their Wolverine-like clause scratching at your chest, neck or face, then it’s their over-sized head landing forcefully on your nose. Think about it – if babies were stupid and innocent, they wouldn’t arm themselves with weapons on their fingers or a neck with no muscles which allows them to whip their head in your direction. In addition, those annoying little blighters make sure they strike when your most vulnerable, namely when your hands are busy comforting or winding them. What kind of creature attacks something else when it is defenceless and unable to protect itself?
- She’s doing something, then stops as soon as you try to capture it: This happens too often for it just to be a coincidence. The examples are countless. Baby L is on her play mat making loud, joyful sounds – I get out my phone to record it, but she goes silent. Baby L is smiling away and we want to get a photo of her toothless grin, so she decides to start crying as soon as she sees the camera. This also includes when she purposefully does the opposite of what you say, just to make you sound like a tit. So if I say to my parents, do X and she’ll do Y, she obviously doesn’t. Or if I say she always sneezes twice, she’ll make sure she sneezes just the once. Very, very annoying.
I rest my case. Babies are not only annoying, but they do it on purpose. Their little brains are smarter than we imagine and they know what to do in order to cause mass annoyance. Think about what your little one did or does and then try to tell me that they aren’t the puppeteer carefully manipulating us to do exactly what they want. What do you reckon?