Let’s cut straight to the chase and be adults about it. Sex is an important part of any relationship, both before and after the little bundle of joy enters the world.
But, being parents comes with it’s own complications when trying to get down and dirty with your loved one, particularly during the first six months when your baby is likely to sleep in the same room as you.
Some people find it weird to get it on with their partner if the baby is in earshot, whilst other people are not affected by their little one being just feet away. There is no right or wrong answer – you just need to do what feels comfortable for you both as a couple, but rest assured, your baby will not be scarred for life should you wish to get groovy in the sack whilst they sleep. That is unless something falls on them or they are knocked from their Moses basket during a particularly passionate embrace with your partner.
Should you wish to have sex in the same room as your baby, remember these eight points which will DEFINITELY help. These are in no way, shape or form based on personal experience either…
- Rock the baby to sleep in their cot through vigorous love making. Just remember, the more you move around on the bed and in the bedroom, the more your movements will gently cradle the baby to slumber in their crib. This works particularly well if the baby is situated in close proximity to the bed, ideally in some type of cot which attaches to the bed – the back and forth motion from the amorous couple will transfer across the mattress to the crib. If this is not possible, remember to nudge the Moses basket with any part of your, or your partner’s, body – be it a leg, an arm, a buttock or anything else which is available.
- Ensure that the baby is not in bed with you. This is a definite no-no. Not only is it dangerous for the little one, but it may also be crossing a boundary that will see you placed on some kind of register for the rest of your life. Sometimes the passion can take over when you are embraced with your lover, but remember, the baby could become crushed or lodged during the act of love making. It is safer for the baby to be anywhere else in the bedroom than in the bed when the mood is right – their Moses basket or crib is obviously the safest place, but the floor, window sill or on top of the wardrobe are also alternative options.
- If dirty talk is your thing, choose your words wisely or say nothing at all. Becoming a parent litters your world with sexual innuendos that you try to ignore on a daily basis. There is no worse time for one of these to crop up than when you are getting down and dirty with your partner(s) of choice. If, during the throes of passion, you wish to vocalise your excitement, do not, and I repeat, DO NOT say anything that could be misconstrued. “Who’s your daddy” or “do you like that, baby”, for instance, are definite no-nos.
- It is fine when the baby is a baby, but not when they are a toddler, child, tweenager or teenager. Babies do not know what is going on at the best of times. They cannot comprehend or understand what is happening, which makes it pretty OK to have a bit of rumpy pumpy if they are in the same room as you. But, do not start having sex when you are in the same room as your kid when they are a bit older. It just becomes awkward if you start getting it on whilst watching The Great British Bake Off as your 12-year old purposefully concentrates on the nice baps or soggy bottoms on the TV screen as opposed to in the same room as him.
- If considering bondage, ensure you can be released quickly. Babies can wake without any prior warning. One minute they are sound asleep, the next they are flaying around screaming their little lungs out needing your attention. Remember that you may need to attend to them at short notice, so ensure that you can escape from your restrictions easily and quickly should you need to. Handcuffs around the wrists or scarves securing you to the headboard are fine, but sex swings or gimp costumes can become a bit of a pain should you need to escape quickly.
- Don’t confuse a dummy with a sex toy. It may have a phallic like teet, but steer clear of incorporating a dummy into your fun and games. No-one over toddler age looks good sucking on one, whilst a dummy offers very little in terms of length or girth. Do everyone a favour and buy a sex toy to satisfy your needs rather than experimenting with things you may find around the house. If you accidentally or purposefully disregard this piece of advice, please remember to sterilise the dummy before and after future use.
- Antibacterial hand gel does not make good lube and lube does not make good hand gel. Both antibacterial gel and lube come in bottles of similar size and shape, whilst the consistency of the liquid is difficult to distinguish once on your hands (or other bodily regions). Do not get the two confused with each other. Instead, quickly pop on a light when leaning over to the bedside table, to ensure you’ve picked up the correct bottle. You could also choose different ‘flavours’ to help distinguish – a motto which helps me to remember is “mint when randy, lemon for the handy”.
- If involved in threesomes, choose someone good with babies. It is hard work being new parents and they appreciate any help they can get with the little sprog. So, if introducing a third party to the bedroom, it makes complete sense to check that they are good with babies / kids and are willing to help out with looking after them. Some good professions that you may consider when it comes to a third party are doctors, midwives, teachers, kid’s party entertainers or Santa impersonator.
It’s OK, you don’t need to thank me, I know that these tips are awesome. I hope that they come in useful for you – let me know how you get on 🙂