After the ‘success’ of writing an open apology to the missus back in October, I thought I’d take a leaf out of my own book and do the same for Baby L. When I say ‘success’, I mean that the missus didn’t leave me despite me being a dick, so the public display of affection, gratitude and guilt must have worked. I’m therefore happy to try it again with the little one and hope for similar results.
As Baby L is 8-months old to the day, what more could a kid want than some written words on a computer screen? Sure, there’s toys, clothes, days out and other more traditional presents, but I feel like an explanation as to why the sprog is most likely messed up for life is worth so much more.
So here goes…
Dear Baby L,
I’m writing this note to explain some stuff and say sorry…
During your short 8-months, I’ve tried to be the best dad I can and give you a good start in life. But this hasn’t always gone to plan.
I have a few admissions that I need to profess. I know that I could keep these confessions to myself and never tell you, but the burden is already too large to bear.
The only chance I have to make things right between us is to apologise openly and publicly.
Here we go:
- I apologise for the multiple times that I have given you food that has been thrown on the floor – I realise that if I wouldn’t eat the germ-covered food, then I shouldn’t try to put it in your mouth.
- I apologise for the time that you headbutted the edge of your cot and was left with a mark – I was too preoccupied with taking photos of you sitting cutely that I forgot to make sure you didn’t fall over.
- I apologise for trying to make you laugh by putting your hand on the end of a hoover – I should have known that you were more likely to scream and cry than to happily chuckle.
- I apologise for the numerous times that you’ve had to look at my out of shape, naked body when I’ve put you on the bathroom floor whilst I’ve showered – I had to find a way to ensure you were safe whilst I got on with everyday tasks, but that does not excuse the terrors you have witnessed.
- I apologise for the time that you were forced to spend all night laying in your own piss-soaked babygrow and sleeping bag – I thought that I’d put your nappy on correctly before you went to bed, but my incompetence must have prevailed.
- I apologise for that lapse in judgement when I was distracted before your bath and found you chewing your used nappy – I should have known to watch you like a hawk and not introduce you to piss and shit in this way.
- I apologise for the time that I scared you when I used a hand dryer after changing your nappy in a public toilet – I should have realised that the loud, strange and scary noise would take you by surprise, whilst my hands could have dried naturally.
- I apologise for the time that I ate my sandwich off your back as you slept on my lap (and also the time I rested a biscuit on your head) – I was knackered, starving and stuck beneath your sleeping body, but I do realise that you have so much more to offer than just being a table.
- I apologise for the weird outfit combinations I’ve forced you to wear when it’s been my turn to dress you for the day – fashion is not my speciality, however I should have realised that the first items I put my hands on do not necessarily mean that they go together.
- I apologise for all of those times that I’ve blamed that awful smell on you when it was in fact me who let rip – I should take responsibility for my actions and not blame a small, defenceless baby. If I pass the buck to anyone, it should be the dog.
That is everything I wish to get off my chest. For now, at least. Please forgive me for these mistakes. They have been committed with the best of intentions and no malice was involved, although I realise that this may give you little solace.
Lots of Love,