Babies: The Sexual Innuendo Killers

I love a good sexual innuendo. Call me immature (many do), but there’s nothing funnier than hearing someone say something which makes them sound like a right perv even though no hidden sexual connotations were implied.

Who here can honestly say that they didn’t giggle like an immature school girl when they watched Frozen for the first time and heard Anna plead with Kristoff to ‘take her up the North Mountain’?

Just the other day in fact, we were watching Peppa Pig when our favourite fictional pig (well, after Babe, Piglet, Porky Pig, Miss Piggy, Hamm, Harry Plopper / Spider-Pig etc) shockingly propositioned her own brother.

However, my enjoyment for the lewd, crude and rude has taken a massive hit since becoming a dad. What used to be overwhelming enjoyment now makes me feel a little queasy and downright wrong. The reason being that every other sentence that comes (haha, comes…) out of my mouth when talking about, or talking to, my baby daughter has some kind of unwanted sexual innuendo attached to it.

No matter how hard (haha, hard…) I try though, I’m just unable to stop littering my vocabulary with words or phrases that seem to imply something else. Usually, I’d just laugh it off and draw attention to it, but I’m a little conscious of doing so when the subject matter is baby-related – the last thing I want is to earn an unwanted reputation around the mums at baby classes.

If you don’t believe me, these are the top five words / phrases I’ve found myself saying, before realising the sexual innuendo connotations. Before a baby it was fine, however with a baby it is just wrong! I apologise in advance if any of this affects your viewpoint or changes your vocabulary too!

5) “Daddy” – How can you say everyday, normal things about being a father without creating sexual undertones? Phrases such as “come to daddy”, “sit on Daddy’s knee” or “give Daddy a kiss” come across very differently when you have a baby compared to not having one.

4) Reprimanding – Sometimes, you have to say “no” and let babies / kids know that their behaviour is unacceptable. However, try saying “you’ve been a naughty girl” or “you’ve been a bad girl” without turning it into a sexual innuendo.

3) Unclean – Babies have a habit of being messy, be it during the weaning process, when playing outside or during messy play. But, once more, there is no way you can say phrases such as “you’re dirty” or “that’s filthy” without the mind wandering to the crude.

2) Weaning – Embarking on the fun and messy journey that is weaning inadvertently leads to many a sexual innuendo. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve been giving food to Baby L and found myself saying something risqué like “put this into your mouth”, “have a suck on this” and “stop spitting, just swallow”.

1) Sleep – The less said about this, the better. All I will say is that sentences such as “she’s just gone down”, “she’s been going down really well recently” or “she goes down pretty quickly”, have a very different meaning when you’re talking about your wife versus your baby.

Have you found yourself saying anything innocent which came out in a different way? How has your language changed since having a kid? Please tell me that it’s not just me who thinks these things?! Let me know below!

Featured image from le Liz via Compfight