It really does amaze me at what babies and toddlers can achieve. As a newborn, they’re pretty useless. I’m not having a go, but they don’t really pull their weight. They just sort of fester in their own waste, cry a lot and generally laze about.
When they get a little older though – around six months in our case – they start to do things like sit up, crawl and feed themselves. Fast forward a few more months and you’ll start to see massive improvements in things like hand eye coordination, the ability to stand up and the development of a little personality.
Seeing this useless, little newborn transform into a proper little human can only be described by one word – “super”. Not too dissimilar to how a radioactive spider bite provided Peter Parker with the abilities of an arachnid to become Spiderman or how “Super-Soldier serum” transformed a frail and weak Steve Rogers into the pinnacle of human perfection that is Captain America. I’m not calling my kid a mutant, but there is something pretty freaky about the total transfiguration.
So, in my usual random way, this got me thinking. If a baby / toddler had super powers, what would they be? And, more specifically, if a baby / toddler possessed these abilities, which superheroes would they most closely resemble? With the help of my super amazing Photoshop skills (which was actually PowerPoint as I don’t have Photoshop), here’s five superheroes which best represent Baby L at 14.5 months old:
Krypton’s favourite son is renowned for an array of abilities, including flight, heat vision and super-hearing. But, it is his superhuman strength which I reckon best reflects Baby L’s brawn.
For someone so small – who has continually hung on to the 9th percentile line since she was born – the girl has some crazy strength. I’m astounded that she can pick up pretty big toys and carry them around the room one handed whilst using the other to support herself on furniture. It is also a hell of a feat that she can move a sturdy armchair out of the way by placing her hands against the wall and arching her back to push it with her arse.
But the thing that impresses me the most is when she uses her Stokke Tripp Trapp highchair as a walker! That thing is made of wood and is bloody heavy – even the missus struggles to move it – but Baby L more than happily stands up against it, pushes with both arms and goes for a wander around the living room. This is achieved without a bead of sweat even appearing on her cute, little brow.
The Flash’s Speed
As you’d expect from the fastest man alive, the Scarlett Speedster is pretty bloody fast. Like, so fast that he has superhuman reflexes and can violate certain laws of physics. Not a bad party trick to have, eh?
Much like the Flash, the sprog can move at a lightning-fast speed. One second she’s in front of you nicely playing with her toys, the next she’s managed to empty the entire contents of the bin all over the floor. One time, she was so speedy that she managed to get out of the open back door and nearly down the stairs to the garden before I realised that she’d gone (we don’t tell the missus about that ‘incident’). What’s even more impressive is that she achieves this through a chimp like crawl, where she uses one leg to steady herself and the other to power forward.
The funny thing though is that I expect this speediness to just get worse. At the time of writing, the sprog has just started to take her first tentative steps, so is on the cusp of walking. Walking leads to jogging, jogging leads to running, running leads to utter chaos. Shit!
I’ve already written previously about how I think that a possible future career for Baby L is that of a thief because of her sneaky ability to steal things from handbags, so the comparison with Catwoman is an obvious one. As an expert jewel thief, Selina Kyle uses her gymnastic skills, femininity and emphatic relationship with all types of felids to get what she wants. Now who does that remind me of?! Well, maybe not the cat thing, but the other two are spot on.
The sprog’s athleticism, balance and daredevil nature continue to impress me. She loves nothing better than to explore, climb and clamber up anything that looks remotely dangerous – the TV unit, the dining room chairs and the windowsill are some of her favourite places to ascend, particularly if there is something to steal like a TV remote, mobile phone or set of keys at the top.
Pair this with the fact that she has everyone under her thumb and you’re in for trouble. Despite being so young, she has fathomed out how to trick, deceive and persuade those around her – particular men – to cater for her every whim. I’m already dreading the teenage years with this ‘skill set’ at her disposal.
For all of his abilities – such as a regenerative healing factor, an adamantium-plated skeleton and superhumanly acute senses – Wolverine is best known for his retractable claws. These six sharp, adamantium claws extrude through his hands and can cut through almost any known solid material – not too dissimilar to that of a baby’s fingernails.
Man, how can those bastard nails be soooo sharp? They literally – and I’m using the word ‘literally’ properly rather than those people who say things likes “I literally just died” – slice, cut and tear at the skin of any newbie parent. At the time of writing, I am sporting a large scratch to my forehead caused by playing with an over-zealous and under-groomed toddler.
This is just the icing on the cake though – over the last 14-months, I’ve suffered near fatal injuries to my nose, cheek, lip, arm, shoulder, stomach and nipple all because of those Wolverine-like claws. The scary thing though is that a baby is probably more dangerous than the X-man. Rather than three claws on each hand, a baby has five, meaning they are 66.67% more dangerous than the brutish anti-hero.
The Hulk’s Rage
“Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry” – a phrase often uttered by Bruce Banner prior to his Jekyll and Hyde-like transformation into the Incredible Hulk, but one that could easily be associated with any baby or toddler on the planet.
Unlike the Hulk though, Gamma radiation is not the reason for these outbursts of rage. Instead, these temper tantrums are a result of a whole range of things – frustration at not being able to communicate, annoyance at not getting their own way or, my favourite, because why the hell not!
Now that she’s become a toddler, the sprog’s anger issues are becoming even more frequent and explosive. The littlest of things can set her off and leave a wave of destruction in her path. Still, looking on the bright side, at least she doesn’t rip her clothes as part of the transformation as that would be a pretty expensive side effect.
BABY L SMASH!
Do any of these superhero traits and abilities sound familiar with your kid(s)? What super powers do you reckon your little ones would have if bitten by a radioactive spider or hit with Gamma radiation? What superheroes does your little one remind you of? Let me know in the comments below!