People talk about how having a baby changes things. If I’m honest, I don’t think that a baby particularly changed our lives that much. Yes, there were the stereotypical things such as less sleep and more bodily fluids, but I’ve actually found that a toddler has altered things more than a baby ever did.
A baby does very little apart from sleep, cry or feed in the exact spot you put them, but a mobile toddler is like Looney Tunes’ the Tasmanian Devil – only pissed off his tits on cheap cider and buzzing on speed. Running, falling, climbing, banging, hitting, biting, kicking, terrorising – just some of the ‘ings’ that a toddler gets up to on an hourly basis as part of their quest to make you lose your temper.
The thing I’ve recently figured out is that toddlers really are the reason why us parents can’t have nice stuff. Or alternatively, the reason why your once nice stuff is now looking a bit scabby. So, in no particular order, here’s a list of things that we bought before Toddler L came into the world, which at the time seemed like a good idea, but hindsight suggests they were not.
- Black Gloss Furniture – On moving into our house, we purchased a number of black gloss items – TV stand, DVD units etc – for the living room. The thing about black gloss is that it looks great, but isn’t that functional. Fast forward a few years, it is now covered in scratches and tiny fingerprints which I’m firmly blaming Toddler L for.
- A Pop-Up Plug – When we fitted a new bathroom a couple of years ago, we chose a bath with floor standing taps and pop-up plug to minimise things sticking in you when in the tub. As part of this minimalistic approach, we had a pop-up plug. What we hadn’t considered was that the plug was now in prime position for Baby / Toddler L to release the bath water either accidentally with her rotund arse or as part of a very annoying ‘game’.
- A Treadmill – As part of one of our many health kicks over the years, the missus decided to buy a big ass treadmill so that we didn’t need a gym membership. It’s been a decent buy as we’ve clocked up many a mile in the name of exercise, but it’s so bloody heavy that it never made it upstairs – instead, it came to finally rest in our living room. Now a glorified clothes horse, the treadmill takes up valuable space and provides a slightly dangerous platform for Toddler L to play on.
- A House On 3 Floors – Although it looks like a normal 1980’s mid-terrace from the outside, a previous owner converted part of our attic into a room which we now use as an office. Having this extra room is great because we’ve not lost a bedroom with officey stuff, but it has caused unexpected problems. Not only did we have to get a third stairgate, but it’s created even more stairs for Toddler L to play on in her quest to turn the home into soft play.
- Touch Screen Laptop – You know how some advancements in technology just aren’t needed? Instead of adding to your experience, they just detract – particularly when you throw toddlers into the mix. One of these things is a laptop with a touch screen. It’s bad enough when I accidentally touch the screen, let alone when a toddler decides to bang the laptop repeatedly, which usually results in three new Google Chrome tabs being opened, my current blog post being lost and the update I’ve been pressing “Cancel” on for the last six weeks being installed.
- 3 Door Car – As a family of two – well, two and a half if you include the sausage dog who is barely a dog – we never had any reason to have a bigger car. We made do with our 3-door Vauxhall Corsa for five and a bit years, including over a year with the sprog. However, we soon learnt that trying to climb into the back to fasten in a wriggling baby / toddler, or manoeuvring a heavy car seat through the front door, was a massive ball ache. So, our 3-door car was upgraded to a 5-door and we’ve not looked back since.
- Light-Coloured Settees – As part of decorating the living room when we moved into the house, we decided to go with a purple feature wall. To complement this, we bought two 3-seater settees in a kind of lavendery purple colour. For four plus years, we were really careful around them – no food, no drink, no bodily fluids. Compare that to the short time Toddler L has been walking and they’re now stained with food, drink, snot, wax crayon and sick. If I’m honest, they even have the faint whiff of the latter after a particularly violent projectile vomit late last year.
So that’s seven of the things that I wish we’d never bought, knowing that one day we would become parents. Oh, how I wish we were still allowed nice things. I guess the positive is that there’s only 16 or so years left until Toddler L moves out and we can redecorate the house and buy new things again. Always a silver lining.
Is there anything you regret buying now that you have kids? Has a child ruined your prized possession or damaged a family heirloom? Let me know below![jetpack_subscription_form subscribe_text=”Like what you’ve read? Want more? Pop in your email to get all of the latest posts.”]