I hate to come across as jealous, bitter and spiteful – although I’m sure I will – but I reckon babies have it pretty good when compared to us parents. Not only do they have a really easy life due to people doing everything for them, but they can do anything they want without repercussion.
If you compare that to an adult, we have to live by social norms. All of these invisible rules in society which mean that we have to be sensible, reserved and normal at all times. Hell, it’s a pretty sad state when speaking to another person on the Tube is seen as being a serious public faux pas.
So, just imagine what would happen if an adult took a leaf out of a baby’s book. What would be the ramifications if we started copying their behaviour when out and about? I’m pretty sure that there’d be more than tuts and shakes of the head from those around us.
It’s not really *that* fair. Yes, a baby might be cute, innocent and useless, but does that mean that they should get away with whatever they want? If The Simpsons taught us anything, it’s that a baby can shoot an old man and still not face any consequences. Where’s the justice in that?
Obviously that’s an extreme example. However, there’s plenty of other every day situations which demonstrate how a baby can get away with so much more than an adult. Here’s a few more examples:
A baby can nap anywhere and everywhere. I understand that they need loads of sleep, but sometimes it’s just bordering on lazy. What about us parents? Why can’t we go back to sleep just a few hours after getting up for the day? As life is harder for an adult, you’d be forgiven for thinking that we should be allowed to sleep more. Unfortunately, that logic is wrong. Still, how cool would it be if we could just doze off whenever? You’re just going about your everyday tasks, feel a little tired, have a lie down then visit the Land of Nod. That’d be the stuff dreams are made of – literally.
Crap / Piss Whenever
Through the wonders of a nappy, babies are able to go whenever they want. When they get the urge, they just do it. No questions asked. Even when they’re sat in their own shit, no-one wonders why – that’s just what a baby does. I don’t think that’s very fair. I’m not suggesting that I want to be incontinent, but not needing to go to the bathroom is quite appealing. I’m now at an age where my bladder isn’t what it used to be. This means regularly having to stop what I’m doing to answer the call of nature. I’d be lying if I said that pissing myself when driving, watching TV or walking the dog hadn’t crossed my mind. Plus, just imagine the luxury of someone wiping your arse – that’s the kind of service the Queen surely receives.
Not only are babies bloody noisy, but they have no notion of when they can or can’t make said noise. You could maybe forgive a baby for shouting loudly at a football match or crying uncontrollably at Ryan Gosling’s latest romantic film, but in my experience, this rarely happens. Instead, they just cry, scream or shriek whenever they feel like it. When was the last time you randomly shouted in a shopping centre or babbled gobbledygook when on the bus? Society makes us conform, even when the voices in our head make us want to scream. Babies don’t give a crap about these social norms. Maybe we shouldn’t either?! Next time you’re somewhere quiet, let out a shriek and see what happens – I dare you!
When they’re not doing any of the above – namely sleeping, defecating or whining – a baby is likely to be tucking into some kind of grub. Be it boob, bottle or both, babies are to milk what vampires are to blood. It’s not just the frequency that babies eat though, it’s the fact that they have it delivered directly to their mouth by their very own adult servant. How’s that for lazy? I’d love to be able to eat every few hours and only have to start sucking thin air to get food brought to me. I might see if the missus will feed* me tonight actually – the worst that can happen is a slap, surely?
So those are four things which you can do as a baby but not an adult. What do you reckon? Anything else you’d add to the list? Let me know below!
*To clarify, that’s feed me food, not breastmilk.
N.B. This is an updated version of a post originally written for Hippychick.