In case you haven’t realised, parents can be pretty bloody competitive. Below are just some of the ridiculous things that may – or may not – have been said by competitive mums and dads.
“Oooh, I’m better than you because I breast fed.”
“I see your baby is still crawling – mine had a degree at that age.”
“My labour took longer than yours because my baby loves me more and didn’t want to leave me.”
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like every parent is uber competitive. We don’t all have aspirations to push our children to become something they don’t want like in those awful – but highly addictive – child beauty pageant reality TV shows.
Some of us remain normal(ish). However, it would appear that the majority are affected by some kind of competitive virus which leaves them ambitious, aggressive and combative as soon as their baby leaves the vag. Maybe it’s something released when the placenta comes out? Who knows. I’m not a doctor. Anyway, I digress.
This got me thinking. Is there a better way to channel the energy of these competitive parents? Rather than them contesting at toddler classes, in the playground or the hospital straight after birth, can we find something more productive?
I did consider suggesting a Hunger Games type scenario in which teams of parents battle to the death. I decided though that this probably wouldn’t be fair on all of the newly orphaned kids – although it’s probably good news for Angelina Jolie…
Then it hit me. Why not set up a parenting Olympic Games? A leading international sporting event which would see thousands of parents from all around the world compete against each other in a variety of sports. What better way to actually prove that you’re the best parent out there rather than than being a gobby little shite?
I’m VERY close to making this Olympic Games happen. Sure, I still need to work out some logistics such as venues, dates, security, ticketing, travel, accommodation, marketing, athletes etc, but apart from that, we’re nearly good to go. So, with that in mind, here are 10 of the events that will comprise the inaugural parenting Olympic Games:
- Sprint Obstacle Race – Combining aspects of sprint races, hurdles and steeplechase, parents compete against each other by running set distances around a track. Each parent is allocated a lane, with each lane being littered with the kid-related obstacles they try to avoid tripping over on a daily basis – toys, shoes, clothes, your kid etc. The winner is the person who crosses the line first.
- Extreme Sprint Obstacle Race – As above, but parents run barefoot and all obstacles are of the ‘Ow, shit, that hurts’ variety. Think LEGO, plastic dinosaurs, toy cars etc.
- Toddler Hindrance Race – Set over 100m, 200m and 400m, each parent is allocated a lane and the winner is the one who crosses the line first. The catch? You have to do this whilst your clingy toddler stays firmly attached to your leg whilst whinging at you.
- Car Key Hide And Seek – Each parent takes it in turns to race against the clock to find a set of car keys which your kid has hidden somewhere in the stadium. The winner is the person who finds the keys and gets through the exit in the quickest possible time.
- Toy Javelin – Parents take their kid’s toy that annoys them the most and attempt to throw it as far as they can. The winner is the person who throws it the furthest. However, it will probably feel like a victory for anyone who manages to break the toy when it hits the floor.
Original photo Vivian Hayles via Compfight and edited by me (if you couldn’t tell)
- Parent Relay Race – Working as a team, competitors are tasked with completing a set of of parenting-related challenges in the quickest time possible. Sterilise a bottle, warm the milk and into your baby’s tummy. Put on a baby carrier and get the kid safely inside. Pack a number of items into your day / nappy bag. Unfold a pushchair, attach a toy and sun parasol. Assemble a flat-pack children’s toy. You get the gist.
- Nappy Wrestling – Each parent is required to remove a shitty nappy from your tantrumming toddler, put on a new one and dispose of the old one. Rather than being time based, this is judged on difficulty, execution and flair, with points being deducted for faults like getting crap under the finger nails or using too many wipes.
- Car Seat Tetris – Faced with a seven-seater people carrier, five car seats and five differently aged kids, the parent is tasked with getting the right kid into the right car seat in the car. The winner is the person who has safely fastened all children into the correct car seats in the quickest time.
- Weanchery – Armed with a spoon and a bowl of puree, parents take it in turns to get the spoon into a ‘hangry’ baby’s mouth. The baby’s face is marked like an archery target, by which there are evenly spaced concentric rings. Each ring has a different score value which increases as you reach the centre, aka mouth. The winner is the person with the highest collective score after 10 attempts.
- Parent Weightlifting – Each competitor is given three attempts to lift as much child-related weight as possible. Rather than weight plates, the parent is expected to hold various objects at the same time – shopping bags, a scooter, a balance bike, a Jumperoo, cuddly toys etc. The winner is the person who has managed to lift the most weight.
What do you reckon? A pretty awesome idea, eh?! Are there any other sports that you’d add to the parenting Olympic Games? Which event do you reckon you’d be a contender for the Gold medal in? Let me know below!