We were in the car the other day as we were going away for the weekend. As has become customary on long journeys, we were blasting out nursery rhyme after nursery rhyme as one of the ways to keep Toddler L entertained. As each of the earworms burrowed into my brain and made me seriously consider whether to veer off the road to end the torture, I found a new way of entertaining myself – looking for sexual innuendos in the nursery rhymes.
Pretty sure I’ve lost it (whatever ‘it’ is) after 3 hours of nursery rhymes on repeat in the car. I’m the one screaming ‘are we there yet’.
— The DADventurer (@The_dadventurer) June 30, 2017
The more I looked for sexual innuendos, the more I found. The double entendre slapped me around the face like a wet fish, which in itself is a double entendre if you check Urban Dictionary – go on, I dare ya. It may be childish, but I don’t really care. After all, I am the same fella who wrote about how the arrival of babies ruin sexual innuendos and how a lot of nursery rhymes are actually nursery crimes.
I discovered that a lot of the nursery rhymes had hidden innuendos. Some are more subtle and require a dirty mind, whereas others are much more blatant – the latter often happening due to language and word changes over the years. Let’s face it – everything is more bearable with a bit of smut and nursery rhymes are no different. Don’t believe me? Then here’s a shed load of nursery rhymes with questionable sentences which make me scream sexual innuendo:
The Farmer’s In His Den
“…we all pat the bone, we all pat the bone, ee aye addio, we all pat the bone.”
Obviously, this is some kind of very wrong orgy. The farmer is in his den with his wife, child, nurse and dog. For whatever reason, they all decide to “pat the bone”, which I can only assume is the farmer’s erection. “Ee aye addio” I expect is the noise he makes when ejaculating due to said bone patting. Not a nice image, I know.
Wee Willie Winkie
“Wee Willie Winkie runs through the town,
Upstairs and downstairs in his night-gown,
Rapping at the window, crying through the lock,
Are the children all in bed, for now it’s eight o’clock?”
Here, we basically have a half-naked, paedophile voyeur who spends his evening running from house to house to peek through windows and see if the kids are in bed. The fact that he’s named after a small cock does nothing for his character.
The Grand Old Duke Of York
“…and when they were up, they were up…”
An old, powerful fella with access to a number of virile men visibly ready for action? Sounds like the storyline for one hell of a gay porno.
The Owl And The Pussycat
“…Oh, lovely Pussy, oh, Pussy, my love,
What a beautiful Pussy you are…”
When Edward Lear wrote this in 1871, I can only assume that “pussy” was not slang for female genitalia. Or maybe it was. Maybe his partner / wife / mistress just had a very attractive vagina that he really really liked. Either way, it’s pretty difficult to read this nursery rhyme without a smirk and certain images running through your head.
Ride A Cock-Horse
“Ride a cock-horse to Banbury Cross…”
I’ve probably interpreted “cock-horse” wrongly, but the only thing that springs to mind is bestiality. The word “ride” does nothing to move my mind away from that. I also wonder whether “Banbury Cross” is slang for something – orgasm, perhaps?
“…Says Simple Simon to the pieman, Let me taste your ware…
…Says the pieman to Simple Simon, Show me first your penny…”
I can’t hear this without thinking that Simple Simon is offering a sneaky blowie to a fella in Greggs. But that’s not all – the pieman then takes advantage of Simon’s simpleness by also asking for money in order to be fellaciated. Isn’t that prostitution?
I love Little Pussy
“…but pussy and I very gently will play…”
…I’ll pat pretty pussy, And then she will purr…
…For pussy don’t like to be worried and teased.
This one is just littered with imagery. As such, I think it’s pretty obvious that we’re talking about a bit of female alone time here.
Old King Cole
“…Every fiddler, he had a fiddle, and a very fine fiddle had he…”
Again, we have an old man abusing his power. In this instance, it would appear that he enjoys having a “fiddle” with his violinists. If there’s a consolation for the violinists, he seems to be really good at it.
Little Boy Blue
“Little Boy Blue, come blow your horn…”
Remember the rumours about Prince and Marilyn Manson having ribs removed so that they could give themselves oral? Perhaps Little Boy Blue was the first.
So there we have it. Whoever wrote these nursery rhymes for our kids were filthy minded – it’s nothing to do with me at all. Have you considered sexual innuendos like this before? Any others that spring to mind? Let me know below!