I was sitting in the car the other day and the revelation hit me. Pregnancy is basically the same as starring in your very own B-movie. You know the ones I mean. Those low-budget science-fiction and horror films featuring swamp monsters, man-eating toasters or alien avocados from Mars.
Set to a backdrop of piss-poor special effects, scripts that read as if they were written by kids and absurdly terrible plots, the only thing likely to frighten you is the acting on display. I’m not picturing the more recent, purposefully shit ones either, like Sharknado. I’m thinking back to the 1950’s stuff featuring The Blob or Godzilla. A time when they were shit, but didn’t know they were shit, so it made them kind of good. But also shit.
You may be wondering where I’m going with this. Well, let me clarify. I certainly would never compare my pregnant wife to a man-eating toaster or invisible alien avocados from Mars. She’s carrying my baby. That would be blasphemous. I have no issue, however, in comparing the missus to a swamp monster – or, in fact, any other kind of ‘scary’ B-movie monster. I know, I’m sweet like that.
As far as I’m aware though, no B-movie has ever been made about a pregnant lady who goes on a rampage and destroys the world. This feels like an untapped niche within the movie world. After all, hell hath no fury like a pregnant woman who can’t get comfortable at night because a baby head is pushing up into their ribs.
Now, all of this is said with love. I will never know what it’s like to go through growing and birthing a child, so I have huge respect for the mums to-be that do. As such, I can’t really take the piss that much – so I’ll only do it a bit. For me, a pregnant woman would be the perfect B-movie monster. Here’s a few reasons why:
Something Living Inside – In scenes reminiscent of Alien, there’s a smaller monster living inside the bigger one, waiting to pop out when you least expect it. That means two heads, two hearts, four legs, four arms, two mouths and four arms. Sounds like a pretty scary monster to me!
Unstable Temperament – You never know how they’ll react or what they’ll do due to their unpredictable emotions. One minute they could be crying uncontrollably, the next they could be laughing hysterically, then they could be filled with a rage which sees them chase you out of the house until a limb is torn off.
Massive Appetite – They will eat anything and everything. No fridge will remain stocked, no cupboard will remain untouched and no plate will remain full. Hell, they may even crave things that are inedible to ‘normal’ people such as coal, chalk, mud and *gulps* humans.
Shape-Shifting Form – Within a few short months, they may be totally unrecognisable due to their ability to change their shape. A big bump around the stomach, an enlarged chest and even bigger feet are just some of the ways they’re able to morph their body.
On-Body ‘Weapons’ – Extra hormones mean that hair and nails grow both faster and stronger, in essence meaning that they have ‘weapons’ capable of destruction – sharp claws to tear through wood, metal and flesh, along with super strong hair to tie up any captives.
Potent Venom – They produce a deadly vomit during the first few months, they regularly have stomach acid climbing up into their throats and colostrum leaks from their breasts. I can only assume these are all designed to immobilise and kill any prey.
See what I mean? That’s a pretty bloody scary monster. Give me King Kong, Dracula and The Thing any day of the week over something with those six ‘abilities’. What else would you add to the list? Let me know below!
Note: No pregnant women were harmed in the making of this blog post, however I have a feeling one husband might be…