A few weeks ago, I posted about things you will do and think when potty training a toddler (read here). I wrote it, pressed publish, stuck it on social media then got on with my day – probably something potty training related like washing piss-soaked knickers.
However, although that post was done and dusted, I kept thinking of more and more points that I should have included. I may have already had 11 points in the first post, but it wasn’t long before I had 11 more – hence this post, the imaginatively titled 11 more things you will do and think when potty training a toddler.
Finally, I’ve been able to get the remaining points out of my head so that I can sleep again at night. I can guarantee that there won’t be an additional 11 points cropping up at some point in the future – mainly because I reckon our potty training journey is now complete (if we ignore any potential relapses and the fact she’s not yet dry at night).
So, with that in mind, here’s 11 more things you will do and think when potty training a toddler. Any of these sound familiar?
1) You will resent the fact that your child gets praise and reward for doing something that you have been doing (nearly always successfully) for the last 25 years. In what kind of cruel world does your kid get a sticker for having a slash but you don’t?
2) You will only make the mistake of letting your toddler sit with their bare-arse on the sofa once. You will then impose the strict rule that no-one is ever allowed to sit down on furniture again unless they are wearing pants. #skidmarks
3) You will send at least one photo of a successful toddler piss / shit in the potty to your other half, who in turn, will question why they are with you.
4) You will (very) briefly consider starving and dehydrating your kid in a desperate attempt to stop them having accidents. Although this may sound like child cruelty, the logic is sound – they’re unlikely to need a piss or shit if they have no waste in their tiny, little bodies. (Please don’t call social services…).
5) You will find yourself imagining that you are in the lane next to Usain Bolt in the 100m final as you sprint at world record speed to the nearest public toilet. This will be done whilst willing your toddler to keep their arse cheeks firmly clenched together.
6) In a desperate attempt to teach your toddler in a ‘do as I do’ approach, you will find yourself sat on a potty in the middle of the living room as your kid looks at you like you’ve gone crazy. Who says parenting changes you?
7) You will consider giving up on the whole potty training malarkey at least once per week. You may even question whether your kid actually needs to be potty trained – shitting yourself in public never did Paula Radcliffe any harm, well, if we ignore the ‘constant shit yourself in public’ jokes.
8) You will discover that one of the most frightening noises that you will hear during potty training is the sound of a waterfall of piss leaving your little one and splashing onto your laminate floor. Despite this trauma, you’ll at least be pleased that you don’t have carpets.
9) You will find yourself coming up with new, more appealing rewards for your kid when their interest in stickers begins to fade. Sweets? Money? A PS4? A new car? Anything to get them to shit on that bloody potty. (Note: I mean “bloody” as in “damned” or “flaming”, not a literal bloody potty because potty training has driven me to murder – although I’ve come close).
10) You will find yourself tentatively opening your kid’s nursery bag for fear of discovering more ‘pink bags of shame’ which contain your child’s piss and shit covered clothes from accidents that have happened when at nursery.
11) You will discover that the most annoying time for your kid to have an accident is straight after they’ve been sat on the potty and told you they didn’t need to go. WHY DID YOU PISS YOURSELF WHEN YOU WERE LITERALLY ON THE POTTY SECONDS AGO? AAAAAH! And relax. Well, until next time.
So those are 11 more things you will do and think when potty training a toddler. How many of these have gone through your head? What would you add to the list? Let me know below!