Unless you’ve unfollowed me on social media and stopped reading my blog – which I wouldn’t blame you for – you’ll have noticed that Toddler L is potty training at the moment. We started back in mid-July and have been on the roller coaster ride that is potty training ever since. We’re not quite there yet, but we’re as close as we’ve ever been and there’s been a lot of progress since my last update.
I’d love to come out with a useful post sharing my hints, tips and learnings from potty training – you know, maybe something like ‘The DADventurer’s complete guide to getting your toddler to curl one out in the bog”. However, I’ve been making it up as I go along and the last 10+ weeks are something of a blur.
I therefore thought I’d take more of a light-hearted look at potty training and share some of the random things that you’ll find yourself doing and find yourself thinking when potty training a toddler. How many of these sound familiar?
1) Your vocabulary will consist solely of the phrase “do you need a wee or a poo?” (or some variation) for the entire duration of potty training (and beyond). So much so that you will find yourself asking random strangers if they need to go – OK, maybe a slight exaggeration.
2) You will ignorantly think that you’ve cracked potty training at least ten times before giving up hope that it will happen this side of your kid becoming a teenager. You will soon learn not to tell anyone that you think your kid is potty trained.
4 days with no accidents and all wees and poos on the toilet. I hate to jinx it, but I *think* we’re nearly potty trained.
— The DADventurer (@The_dadventurer) September 16, 2017
3) You will be so focused on the fact that your kid needs to do something on the potty, that you won’t have considered how best to do the disgustingly grim clean-up operation when they actually go. What do you wipe their arse with? Where do you put their shit? How do you clean out the potty? Who knows!
4) You will find yourself getting angry with frustration when your kid has an accident, only to thoroughly hate yourself for doing so. They will then say something like “I’m sowwy, daddy – me won’t do that ever again”, just to hammer the guilt home. *sobs*
5) Nothing – and I mean nothing – will prepare you for the horror of potty training a toddler with diarrhoea. It’s bad enough when you have a dicky tummy, let alone when your dealing with someone else’s runny turds.
6) You will consider selling your house and investing it all in shares of a sticker production company after seeing first-hand just how lucrative the potty training sticker reward market is.
7) You will find yourself celebrating the first ever shit in the potty with the same passion, enthusiasm and excitement as a last-minute England winner in the World Cup final. Much like England winning the World Cup, you will come to realise that a crap in a potty is a very rare thing which is unlikely to be repeated more than once.
That’s 2 consecutive craps in the potty. It feels weird getting this excited about someone else’s excrement, but hey, that’s potty training.
— The DADventurer (@The_dadventurer) August 25, 2017
8) In a throwback to the newborn baby days, the bowel movements of your child will become the topic of 95% of conversation between you and your other half. Who says romance is dead?
9) You will be amazed at just how big a toddler shit can be and question whether it actually came out of their body. Did they seriously produce that or are they playing some cruel trick on you where they’ve stuck multiple craps together to produce a dinosaur-sized one?
10) Before going anywhere, you will have Googled where the toilets are and prepared a hand-written (and laminated) map with their locations and distances from key landmarks. Despite this, your toddler will still piss themselves.
11) Within the space of a few hours, you will have experienced the dizzying heights of a successful wee in the potty to the rock bottom lows of piss-soaked clothes. Who needs drugs when you have the emotional roller coaster ride of potty training?
So those are 11 things I reckon you’ll do and think when potty training a toddler. Any of those sound familiar? Anything you’d add? Let me know below!