Throughout history, there have been some notorious gangs. The meanest of the mean. The baddest of the bad. The toughest of the tough. I’m not going to list them all, but names such as The Thompson Gang, The Medellin Cartel, The Aryan Brotherhood, 18th Street Gang, Katrina And The Waves and Rastamouse & Da Easy Crew, all spring to mind.
To my knowledge, the middle-class streets of semi-rural Hertfordshire have never had to deal with the threat and criminal activity of a notorious gang. However, over the last few months, there has been a quiet uprising which is only getting louder. There is no surrender or negotiation, for these streets have been claimed by Toddler L and The Fluffy Crew. They may look ‘cute’, but that’s what they want you to think.
I fear that the missus and I are partly responsible for this reign of terror. You see, it all happened when we took her comforter away at the back end of 2016. That disastrous event must have caused some kind of emotional trauma. Taking away the one thing that she relied upon to successfully send her to sleep each night changed her. Up until that point, she didn’t pay much attention to cuddly toys, let alone *needed* them. Now she does.
Maybe I’ve been watching too much Toy Story. Maybe I can just see what’s happening. Either way, I’m scared. She’s always had cuddly animals – including my beloved Lamby – but they are now very prominent in her (and our) lives. I fear that she’s slowly amassing an army and is ready to launch an attack. My blog byline might be “a blog about life with the missus, the toddler and the sausage dog”, but I’m seriously considering adding the Fluffy Crew to this.
She sleeps with them all in her bed – in fact, she won’t sleep without them. When she wakes in the morning, she picks everyone up – “me got everyone” – and somehow descends the stairs despite having both hands full of cuddly toys. They sit with her when she has breakfast, then make their way over to the settee when she’s watching TV. They are even brought upstairs when she has a bath so that they can watch, like some kind of fluffy Peeping Toms. Happy, sad and everything in between, they’re with her.
As a public service warning, I wanted to share some info and photos about the Fluffy Crew. Remember, they are dangerous so please don’t approach if you see them.
Second in command, is the imaginatively named Pink Bear who goes everywhere with Toddler L. If she only has the choice of taking one of the Fluffy Crew – e.g. to nursery – then it’s Pink Bear each and every time. I like to think that Pink Bear is a bit like Lotso – the main antagonist in Toy Story 3. Despite having a happy exterior, a traumatic betrayal has left her bitter, twisted and capable of anything in the quest for dominance. Perhaps even overthrowing Toddler L one day…?
Once a fictional creature living in the deep dark wood, this illusive beast has recently moved out of the shadows and into mainstream society. Coinciding with his child going missing after another nighttime adventure involving a mouse, the Gruffalo bring the muscle, protection and fear factor to the Fluffy Crew. He has terrible tusks and terrible claws…you know the rest.
The newest member of the gang was recruited just last month. Once a loving family man who sounds strangely like Martin Freeman, Stick Man lost his family when Taylor Wimpey felled the tree that they called home in favour of a new housing development. Since then, he has been hellbent on getting revenge against the property developers and sees the Fluffy Crew as the means to achieve his deadly goal. Just remember, he’s not a stick, he’s Stick Man. Get it wrong, and he’ll splinter your ass.
Having lived with Toddler L for the last year, it’s taken a fair bit of time for Noisy Bear to be brought into the fold. Real name Good Vibes Panda, he has the ability to soothe and comfort by vibrating. He was given the street name Noisy Bear as part of the Fluffy Crew initiation due to the sound of this vibration. Cute and cuddly, but with a steely determination and work ethic, Noisy Bear is considered somewhat of an outsider due to his status as a ‘babies toy’. He knows this, and as such, is willing to do whatever it takes to remain part of the gang.
So those are the four main leaders within the Fluffy Crew who I have identified. I can associate other people – such as Upsy Daisy, Pink Dog and Blue Dragon – with the dangerous group, but I’m yet to fully ascertain exactly what role they play within the Fluffy Crew. If you have any information pertinent to this appeal, then please come forward. You can contact me anonymously if you so wish. Be safe people, and remember, don’t have nightmares.